


Our Kinds of Broken Fit Together

by Cezet



Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Abuse, Delusions, Intimacy Seeking Stalker Dean, M/M, OCPD, Seth likes it, This got really weird, Very AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2018-08-31 03:41:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8562478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cezet/pseuds/Cezet
Summary: Newly-hired and struggling with the demands of the tenure-track, he had quickly resigned himself to NLTT – No Life Til Tenure.  Not like he had much of a life before, anyhow.  He looked to the corner of the lot at the old blue pickup truck with its driver slumped behind the steering wheel.  He raised his hand with a smile.  How sad he was, Seth thought to himself, that the only person he had to wave to was a random dude who was always sitting in the parking lot when he came out of his office.





	1. Chapter 1

Seth jogged across the road to his parking lot, using one hand to keep his laptop bag from jostling too much.  Another late evening in his office working on an article.  Newly-hired and struggling with the demands of the tenure-track, he had quickly resigned himself to NLTT – No Life Til Tenure.  Not like he had much of a life before, anyhow.  He looked to the corner of the lot at the old blue pickup truck with its driver slumped behind the steering wheel.  He raised his hand with a smile.  How sad he was, Seth thought to himself, that the only person he had to wave to was a random dude who was always sitting in the parking lot when he came out of his office.  Seth guessed he must wait for a loved one who also worked late.  He was always there in the evenings, no matter how late Seth worked.  The guy nodded at him, as he always did, blank expression unchanging.  Seth got in his car and drove to his apartment.  He’d lucked out in getting a ground-floor apartment at the back of the complex and on the back-side of the building.  A huge fir tree took up most of the space between his living room window and the fence that marked the back of the complex’s property. 

Seth ditched his laptop bag and changed quickly into gym clothes.  He walked out the side gate and over to the excellent gym across the side-street from his building that had sold him on renting at this complex over others in town.  Walking distance to a real gym was an amenity that could not be beaten.  Well, that and the fact that the complex was far enough from campus that he was unlikely to have students living next door.  Despite not actually doing anything, he did like to have his privacy.  He popped in his earbuds and started his warm up on the treadmill before moving on to weights.

Later, as he walked out of the gym, he noted an old blue pickup turning out of the gym parking lot and onto the street, but he paid it no mind. 

Weeks passed and Seth’s routine remained unchanged.  He got up, went to campus, double-checked his list of tasks for the day, completed them, left late, went to the gym, went home and then to bed.  Weekday or weekend, it didn’t matter.  All that mattered was writing and researching and researching and writing.  Oh, and teaching when he had to.  Not that he minded teaching, but it had been made clear to him that his job hinged on publishing, not on teaching evaluations. 

Each day, he’d smile and raise his hand to the dude in the old blue pickup and the dude would nod back.  Seth found himself imaging little stories about the guy to amuse himself.  Who he was waiting on.  How he’d ended up with the truck.  He even considered going over and introducing himself, but knew how utterly weird that would be.  “Hey, I wave at you everyday!  Wanna go grab a beer?”  Seth laughed internally at himself and shook his head.  Gods, but he was lonely.  His new colleagues weren’t exactly what one might call warm and he was the youngest by the better part of a decade.  They were all married and going to children’s soccer games, not out for drinks.  Not that Seth had any need to go out for drinks.  He had no family and didn’t really have time to meet anyone.  His job was firmly at the center of his life as his education had previously been while working on his PhD.  Bringing in people just complicated things.  People wanted him to “enjoy himself more” or “ignore the details” as though that wasn’t a path to utter ruin.

Late one night as he was leaving the gym, he noticed the old blue pickup truck sitting in the parking lot, driver watching him just as he did when Seth walked to his car in his work parking lot.  Seth felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.  The driver’s blank face watched him, but he seemed to be almost waiting for something.  Seth raised his hand and the driver nodded, a ghost of a smile touching his lips.

“What the fuck?” Seth mumbled to himself as he crossed the road and let himself in the side gate of his apartment complex.

“What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?” he continued as his shaking hand unlocked his apartment door and he hurried inside, locking the deadbolt behind him.

Had he finally cracked up?  Was the guy in the pickup a hallucination he’d created due to his loneliness?  Was the guy real and following him?

Seth moved on autopilot.  He turned on the shower and got in, scrubbing off the sweat that had begun to dry on his skin post-workout. 

He slept poorly that night.

The next morning, he showered, dressed and went to work as usual.  He got little done and the department secretary commented on the dark circles under his eyes when he went into the main office for coffee.  Part of him dreaded the end of the day while another part wanted to rush it along and know once and for all.  Soon, he was packing up and walking out of the building.  He jogged across the street as he always did and the old blue pickup was sitting in its usual spot, driver watching as always.  Seth raised his hand and the driver nodded.  His anxiety eased and he felt oddly comforted by the ritual.  Like everything was going to be okay.


	2. Chapter 2

The fall semester ended and winter break began.  Seth’s routine remained unchanged, but for the week the university closed.  They actually turned off the heat to the buildings, so he couldn’t go in.  He felt anxious and hated the idiocy of the administration.  If he wanted to go in and work, why shouldn’t he be able to?  Would the dude in the old blue pickup know the university was closed?  Would Seth still see him outside the gym?  He was always there when Seth left work, but not always when he left the gym.  More and more, though, he was there, waiting to nod when Seth raised his hand.  The ritual had wormed its way into his other rituals.  Not being able to go into his office was already messing with him.  He hated his routines being broken.  To make matters worse, his meal delivery service, always so promptly leaving his perfectly-balanced and labeled breakfasts, lunches, dinners and snacks in a box outside his apartment door on Sunday afternoons, was delivering a day late due to the holiday.  That meant he would have to go to a grocery store and buy something to cook or eat at a restaurant near the end of the week.

His mood was made no better when he woke up to a freezing apartment the day before his campus re-opened.  He shouldn’t have been surprised, he thought, since when one thing went wrong, everything else always followed suit.  He called the office and was told maintenance would be over to fix the issue that afternoon. 

“What am I supposed to do until then?” Seth asked, “It’s freezing in here.”

The office worker suggested a coffee shop.  A coffee shop of all fucking things.  Seth sighed irritably.  He could take his laptop and work.  He had to buy food anyway and a coffee shop would likely have something edible, even if it didn’t fit his macros.  He threw on jeans, boots and a sweater, grabbed his coat and laptop and headed to the coffee shop he drove past on his way to and from campus each day.  Turning off the road into its parking lot was hard.  He knew he was supposed to keep driving past it.  He ground his teeth together in frustration.

Seth inhaled the warm, heavenly smell of good coffee as he entered.  That brightened him up a bit.  The coffee actually smelled really, really good.  He ordered a large coffee and an egg and bacon sandwich on an English muffin.  The place wasn’t busy at all what with most of the students having gone home for break.  He hated to take a four top for just himself, so he walked to one of the two tops in the front window.  The place obviously catered to people who wanted a spot to work as each table was positioned under a power outlet.  Seth hung his coat on the back of his chair, plugged in his laptop and began to write.  His order was delivered shortly and his coffee tasted just as good as the smells had promised.  The sandwich was relatively inoffensive and he was feeling altogether better about the situation. 

He’d been sitting there for approximately two hours and when an old blue pickup drove by and slowed suddenly, turning into the parking lot.  It backed into a parking space not next to Seth’s car, but within line-of-sight of where he sat in the front window.  Half an hour later, it remained there, driver watching.  Seth bit his lip.  He didn’t want the driver sitting out in the cold, but he couldn’t raise his hand to him until he was walking out.  He still hadn’t gotten the call from the office worker that his heat was fixed.  His anxiety increased as he tried to decide what to do.  He saw his driver, THE driver, he reminded himself, bring his hands to his face as though he was blowing on them.  Seth stood and walked over to the counter.  He looked at the menu.  What would the dude want?  Coffee was difficult.  Some people didn’t like it at all.  Or they were very specific about how they took it.  Tea?  Seth settled on hot cocoa.  It was warm and most people liked it without any special instructions.  He paid for a large cup and told the worker he’d be right back, so she wouldn’t think he’d forgotten his laptop.

He walked out into the cold, his breath fogging in front of him.  He swallowed, his anxiety rising again.  He never spoke to the driver.  He raised his hand.  The driver nodded.  Sometimes, his lips quirked.  That was it.  Now, he was going to talk to the dude.  Seth walked over to the old blue pickup.  The driver stared straight ahead, fidgeting as Seth drew closer.  He took a deep breath and tapped on the driver’s window before stepping back to arm’s length.  The window rolled down and their eyes met for the first time without glass separating them.  Blue, Seth thought wildly, his eyes were very, very blue.

“Umm, hi,” Seth managed to say, “It’s cold and the heat is out in my apartment.  I’m going to be here for a while.  I brought you hot cocoa because I didn’t know how you took your coffee or if you even liked coffee.  You could come inside, if you want.  It’s warm and you don’t have to talk to me.  I hope you don’t mind that I’m talking to you.  I know we don’t….do that, but I didn’t want you to be cold.”  He snapped his mouth shut as he realized he was blabbering.  He thrust the hot cocoa forward and the blue-eyed man accepted it warily.  As soon as Seth felt the weight of the cup lift out of his hand, he darted back into the coffee shop, his heart pounding.  What if he’d ruined it?  What if the dude was scared off now that Seth had engaged with him verbally, had acknowledged him?  What if he’d lost the person who’d become an important part of his daily ritual, the closest thing he had to a…friend?

Seth sat rigid in front of his laptop, not really seeing the screen.  A few minutes later, in his peripheral vison, he saw the driver exit the old blue pick up and walk towards the coffee shop.  He was carrying the cup Seth had brought him.  Their eyes met again as the door swung shut behind him.  He snagged a copy of the local free newspaper from the rack, walked to the furthest table from Seth and sat facing him.  Seth felt himself relax a little.  Ok.  This was ok.  He read the few new emails in his inbox.  He’d gotten an R&R for his latest article and been solicited in a call for papers for a conference.

After working a while longer, he needed the facilities.  A glance assured him that the dude was still sitting in the same spot.  Seth made quick use of the restroom, washed his hands thoroughly and went to the counter to order another cup of coffee.  It had been three hours, so he needed to buy something to feel comfortable staying longer.  He waited at the counter this time, as he was just getting coffee and not food.

“Here you go, Seth!” the barista chirped at him as she handed him his coffee.  According to the information on the large overhead sign, one of the things this coffee shop prided itself on was making customers feel like individuals and that, apparently, included addressing each person by name.  Seth saw movement from the table where the driver sat and glance over.  The driver mouthed something.  Seth realized it was his own name.  Seth.  He nodded once and returned to his table.  A few minutes later, the driver stood and walked to the counter.  Seth heard his voice for the first time.  It was rough, but somehow like music to him.  The voice ordered coffee, the same way Seth had ordered his.  Seth felt his face flush and his heart speed up, though he wasn’t sure why. 

“Here you go, Dean!” the barista chirped again, handing the coffee to the driver.  Dean.  He looked over at Seth and Seth said, so quietly no one but he could have heard it, “Dean.”  Dean nodded once and returned to his table and newspaper.

Dean.  His name was Dean.  He was real and he had a name and it was Dean!  Seth felt giddy, though he tried desperately to not let it show on his face.  He drank his coffee.  The same coffee that Dean was drinking.  Each time he took a sip, Dean mirrored him.  They shared its rich, bitter flavor together.  Seth couldn’t remember the last time he felt so close to, so intimate with another person.  He knew it was crazy.  He knew the therapist his major professor had made him see during his dissertation would have a field day with this, but he didn’t care.

Soon, he got the call that his apartment was ready.  As he left, he raised his hand to Dean and Dean nodded in return.  Just as it ought to be, thought Seth.  


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, when Seth opened the door to leave for work, a yellow rosebud was sitting on his doormat.  He blushed and picked it up.  No one had ever given him a flower.  It had to be from Dean.  Who else would leave him a flower?  He stuck it in a glass of water since he didn’t have a vase.  He smiled brightly at Dean when he raised his hand to him that evening after work.  Dean smiled back when he nodded.  Seemingly at random, flowers would show up on Seth’s doorstep over the following weeks.  Each time, the warm, caring feeling they evoked lasted all day. 

One night, when Seth walked across the street to the gym, he saw the old blue pickup already in the lot.  Unusual.  As he approached, he saw that it was empty.  His stomach lurched.  Where was Dean?  The truck wasn’t supposed to be empty.  Dean was supposed to be in it.  Seth walked into the gym, shucking off his coat.  There in the corner was Dean, wearing shorts and a gray tank top rather than the jeans and t-shirt Seth had always seen him in before.  He was hitting the heavy bag like he knew what he was doing.  His eyes tracked Seth as Seth walked to the treadmill for his warm up.  They were two of only a small handful of people in the gym that late.  Knowing that Dean was watching made Seth want to push harder, to show Dean what his body could do.  He pulled off his shirt, putting the defined muscles of his torso on display as he ran.  The treadmills faced the front windows, but Seth could see Dean watching him, seeming to appreciate the view of his body, in the reflection.  In turn, Seth stole quick, admiring glances at Dean’s form and the musculature of his upper arms and shoulders.

Warm-up done, Seth moved on to weights, positioning himself in Dean’s line-of-sight as best he could.  Perhaps he upped his weights a bit over what he usually did, but it was important to keep striving, right?  As he finished his rotation, Dean walked behind him to the basket of gym towels.  Thanks to three mirrored walls and a glass front, Seth could still track him.  Never had he been so grateful for narcissism, even in the guise of “making sure one’s form was correct” which was ostensibly the reason a gym needed so many mirrors.  Dean was walking up behind Seth.  Without slowing down or speaking, he draped a towel over Seth’s shoulder.  In that moment, Seth felt so cared for, much more so than the gesture likely warranted, he admitted to himself.  Still, Dean had shown he was paying attention and cared enough to make sure Seth had a fresh towel.  He wasn’t used to people doing things like that for him.   He brought the towel around to wipe his face, surreptitiously rubbing his lips against the place Dean’s hand had touched.  When he left the gym, Dean was in his pickup, waiting.  Seth raised his hand and Dean nodded.  His facial expression was more intent than usual, though Seth couldn’t fully read him.

When Seth got back to his apartment, he showered.  Usually, he got himself off in the shower quickly, just satisfying another biological need like eating or sleeping.  This evening, the feeling of someone caring kept creeping in and he imagined Dean’s hand wrapped around his as he touched himself.  He came hard, biting his lip to keep from making noise.  He wondered if this was ok.  Whether Dean would be alright with him fantasizing about him.  Did he mean the overtures he seemed to be making that way or was Seth reading too much into things as he was wont to do?  The questions swirled in his head until he finally found sleep.

It had become a new ritual.  Dean still waited and nodded in response to Seth’s raised hand, but bringing him a towel was added to their repertoire of interactions.  It wasn’t always at the end of his workout.  Sometimes, Dean draped it over him at the end, as he had the first time.  Other times, he brought it at a different point in Seth’s work out.  A few times, he waited until Seth was lying prone and walked by, dragging the towel down the side of his body, leaving it at the end of the bench.  The first time he did that, Seth felt like he was going to come out of his skin.  Each time thereafter, he just closed his eyes and savored the touch.  On one particularly memorable night, Seth leaned slightly towards the side Dean was approaching him on and, as the towel draped over his shoulder, the back of Dean’s hand lightly brushed Seth’s jaw.  Dean’s step faltered slightly and Seth couldn’t breathe.  He knew, then, for certain that Dean felt it, too, this whatever it was between them.  That night, he allowed himself to quietly say Dean’s name as he stroked himself.

 

 

The next day, Seth raised his hand and smiled at Dean and Dean nodded in return, ritual fulfilled.  Dean gave him a particularly big smile.  Seth drove home happily, looking forward to the gym that evening.  When he unlocked the door to his apartment, he froze.  Sitting on his breakfast bar that divided the kitchen and living room was a vase filled with dark red roses.  How? Seth thought to himself, stunned and still standing in the doorway.  He walked in and closed the door behind him.  He stayed completely still and listened, but heard no noise.  He checked behind the bar, in the bedroom, closets, bathroom, even in the little utility closet where his washer/dryer unit took up most of the space.  Nothing was out of place.  Nothing had been moved.  The flowers were the only difference.  But the flowers meant that someone had come into his home.  He approached the vase.  There was a card.  It read “Happy Anniversary – Dean.”  Seth made a choked noise.  Anniversary?  Anniversary of what?  It had been a little under a year since he’d taken the job here and moved.  He sat completely still on the couch, staring at the card in his hands.

He knew he should be scared.  He knew he should be angry.  He should feel violated.

But…

Seth actually felt joyous.  He had an anniversary and someone who cared enough to remember it.

 

He changed into his gym clothes and made a stop at the base of the fir tree.  At its base, deep back in the branches, was a little rock that wasn’t what it looked like.  It was a key holder.  It had a combination lock on the bottom and looked very realistic from the top.  Seth had put it there not long after he moved in, half burying it.  As soon as he’d been given the key to his apartment, Seth had gone to the key shop and had two copies made.  One, he stashed in his office.  This one had been a safe way to make sure he could get in if he ever locked himself out.  The earth around the rock safe had obviously been recently disturbed.  That must be how Dean got in to leave his flowers.  Was this the first time? Seth wondered.  How long had he known about the key?  How had he guessed the combination?  Seth put the combination in and found that the key was, indeed, tucked safely inside.  He sat for a moment looking at the key before closing the safe, putting it back down and heading toward the gym, key still in his hand.

Dean’s truck was in the parking lot as usual.  Dean was inside hitting the bag as usual.  Dean looked up at Seth as he walked in as usual.  Seth smiled, his heart racing so hard that he didn’t think he really needed his warm up.  He completed it anyway because it was part of his work out ritual.  Sitting on the bench at the end of his work out, he noticed Dean approaching him with a towel as usual.  Seth fumbled the key out of his pocket and held it in his hand.  When Dean went to drape the towel over his shoulder, Seth reached up and grabbed Dean’s wrist.  With his other hand, he pressed the key into Dean’s hand.  He didn't think he could bear to meet Dean’s eyes, but as Dean’s hand pressed Seth’s, their eyes were drawn to each other's as if by magnets.  It was the longest physical contact they’d had and Seth thought he might pass out.  It lasted only seconds before Dean was again moving, heading out the door to his old blue pickup.  Seth exhaled the breath he had been holding.  He used the towel to wipe his face, tossed it in the dirty bin and walked out the door.  Dean was sitting in his truck as usual, but this time he was leaning forward, his forearms resting on the steering wheel.  He was turning the key over in his hands and staring at it intently.  Seth stopped and raised his hand.  Without changing the intensity of his expression, Dean looked at Seth and nodded.  Seth walked home grinning to himself.

He never thought he’d have a boyfriend, let alone a boyfriend he loved enough to give a key to.


	4. Chapter 4

Several weeks and multiple gifts left in his apartment later, Seth was leaving campus at his usual time.  As he walked toward his parking lot, he heard a voice call out his name.  When he turned, he saw a student from his morning class striding towards him.

“Dr. Rollins!  You’re here late.  Did you teach a night class?”

“No, I was just working,” Seth replied, continuing to walk towards his car.  The student fell into step next to him, telling Seth how much he enjoyed his class, how he’d only taken it for an elective and was only in summer school to try to raise his GPA.  Seth listened and commented where it seemed appropriate.  As he crossed to his lot, he raised his hand to Dean who was in his old blue pickup in his usual place in the lot.

“Oh, God, don’t wave.  Don’t make eye contact,” the student whispered urgently, facing directly forward.

“What?” Seth asked, surprised.

“That’s Dean Ambrose.  He’s a lunatic.  Everybody in town knows.  He was in school with my uncle.  They locked him up in an asylum for a while, but they let him out a couple years ago.  There’s all kinds of rumors about what happened, so I really don’t know.”

“Umm, ok,” Seth said, “Well, this is me.  Be sure to go over the reading for tomorrow.  There could very well be a pop quiz.”

The student grinned at him and loped off towards the student housing complexes further along the road.

Despite his calm outward demeanor, inside he was livid.  How dare the student say those things about Dean?  But, what if they were true?  After all, he was in a relationship with Seth, so how normal could he be?  Seth knew that the therapist would have started sighing at him and talking about self-esteem and self-worth if she’d heard that.  He rolled his eyes at himself as he got in his car.  Then, he stilled.  Ambrose.  He knew Dean’s last name!

That night at the gym, Dean approached with his towel very tentatively.  He looked at Seth with a furrowed brow, as though waiting for Seth to reject him.  Seth felt a rush of protectiveness.  He smiled and reached out for the towel, making sure to brush Dean’s hand slightly.

“Thank you,” he said.

All the tension went out of Dean’s shoulders and his eyes closed as he drew a slightly shaky breath in through his nostrils.

“You’re welcome,” Dean replied.

 

 

 

 

As the summer semester drew to a close, Seth stayed even later than usual one night to finish grading final papers.  He hadn’t meant to stay so late, but his grading had gotten into a rhythm and he’d lost track of time.  Frustrated, he hurried to his car, knowing he’d be late for the gym and that this would throw off his entire evening. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he chanted under his breath.

What if Dean worried at how late he was? 

As he got to the parking lot, a man stepped out from between two cars holding a knife.

“Gimme your phone and money,” the man demanded. 

Seth stopped short, stunned and afraid. 

“Now, motherfucker!” the man shouted.

Suddenly, Seth heard footsteps rushing towards him.  “Hey!” a voice yelled.  The would-be mugger looked past Seth and saw that they weren’t alone.  He took off running, leaving Seth still frozen.

A hand rested on Seth’s shoulder from behind.

“Are you okay?” the voice asked urgently, “Seth?”

Seth spun around and threw himself into Dean’s arms, sobbing and clutching at him.

Dean wrapped his arms around Seth, holding him tightly against his chest.

“I knew you’d come,” Seth said as he regained control of himself, “You’re always there and I knew you’d save me.”

He felt Dean’s lips press against his temple.  Dean smelled so good, felt so good holding him.  Seth stayed standing wrapped up in Dean for a long time.  Eventually, though, he had to pull away.

“I need to call the police.  Report what happened,” he began.

“I have to go.  I can’t be here for that,” Dean replied.

Seth nodded.  “I won’t be at the gym tonight.”

Dean nodded back.  He took Seth’s hand in his and brought it to his lips.  “I’ll be here tomorrow,” he said.

“I know,” Seth said quietly as Dean walked away.  He waited until he saw Dean’s truck drive away to call the police.  They sent an officer to take his statement.  He told them the man who tried to mug him had been scared off by a car that had turned onto the street, but hadn’t stopped.  He had a feeling that his boyfriend wouldn’t want his name mentioned.


	5. Chapter 5

Since the night Dean had saved him from the mugger, Seth had been distracted.  Wrapped up in Dean’s arms, pressed against his body, held oh-so-close…that was where Seth’s mind kept drifting, even when he should be working. 

Seth didn’t like to be touched.  He never allowed it, even as a child.  That was probably why none of his foster families had ever tried to adopt him.  The truth though.  The truth.  Seth’s mind shied away from it, but he forced himself to confront it.  He desperately craved having someone he could just reach out and touch whenever he wanted without worrying that they wouldn’t like it or would think he was weird.  Someone to hold him.  And that terrified him.  That craving, that urge, that desire, that skin hunger, giving in to it would give someone power over him.  They would see his weakness and when they left, as people always eventually did, he’d shatter into so many pieces he’d never be able to put himself back together. 

But Dean hadn’t shoved him away.  He’d held him.  Kissed his head, stroked his hair, seemed to…want the touch, maybe not as much as Seth.  Seth couldn’t imagine anyone else feeling the level of desperation he did.  But he did seem to want it.  He’d seemed…reluctant when he’d let Seth go.  Seth hoped fervently that this wasn’t all in his head, that Dean had really felt it.  Dean turning his head to kiss Seth’s palm, Seth shuddered at the memory, not able to bring himself to think of it further for fear of coming completely undone right then.

Try though he might to push away the thoughts, they crowded around him, demanding and yowling at him.  Racing around, coming at him when he least expected it, attacking him with their brutal force and leaving him gasping.  His ritualing escalated and, despite knowing he was in the midst of a compulsive stress response, he didn’t know how to ward off the impending collapse.  He nearly threw his desk chair through his office window when he found a misplaced comma in an article he’d just sent for review. 

Maybe…maybe he could get Dean to hold him again?  Though, how he could do that, he didn’t know.  This was the longest relationship Seth had ever had and he feared asking for more would make Dean see his flaws, how truly imperfect he was, and scare him away.  On the other hand, he saw other couples.  They touched sometimes.  Not usually in big ways, but things like brushing their hands against each other’s as they walked or what his anthropology professor had once termed “grooming behaviors” in which they brushed lint off each other’s clothes or straightened them. 

Seth had initiated brief contact a few times, but to initiate this type of contact, the type he was craving, it was a big step.  Dean would need to understand how much Seth cared about him.  He began to turn the situations over in his mind, allowing that part of himself he thought of as “the architect” to begin to formulate a plan that would allow for more interaction with Dean without disrupting his routines too much.

Dean often left him small gifts and flowers.  On his dresser at home, he displayed many of them.  A handful of sea shells.  The anniversary roses.  Seth had looked up online how to dry them to keep.  Three torn pieces of notebook paper with quite good pencil drawings of Seth’s face.  Some shiny silver thumbtacks.  A heavy, rounded piece of glass sort of like a flattened marble, the purpose of which Seth was unsure.  Origami swans made from newspaper in varying sizes.  A few other odds and ends.   There had also been quite a bit of candy, but Seth had guiltily eaten it. 

A quick trip online garnered a nice pair of light gloves for Dean to wear when hitting the heavy bag.  Also, a set of focus pads for himself.  If the gloves went over well, maybe Dean would like to have someone to train with.  Rather than them working out separately in the gym at the same time, they’d be working out together.  More interaction should beget even more interaction, he thought.

Thanks to two-day shipping, the package arrived quickly.  Seth put them on the counter where Dean left his gifts with a note that said, “For you, Dean.  I hope you like them.”

He wasn’t sure if Dean came to the apartment every day or only on the days he left things, but he was happy to see Dean smiling at him from the old, blue pickup in the parking lot after work.  When he got to the gym, Dean was at his usual spot wearing the gloves.  When Dean saw him walk in, he held up his hands and wiggled his eyebrows at Seth.  That was new.  He’d never wiggled his eyebrows before.  Seth decided to call that a good sign. 

 

 

A week later, Seth was trying to figure out how to bring in the focus pads without seeming like he was assuming too much.  He walked to his class for lecture lost in thought.  When he got to the large lecture hall, he mumbled a “Good morning” to the students in the front.  They were the only ones he bothered greeting.   Honestly, he didn’t really even look past the first two rows.  Doing so was an exercise in frustration, he’d learned back when he was a TA.  Trying to control the behavior of students in any class, especially a greater-than-100-person class like this one, was an exercise in futility.  They paid for the opportunity to learn.  He provided it.  Whether they took advantage or not was up to them.  The first couple of rows were usually the ones who were going to take advantage, he’d found.  Thus, it was only rational to direct his attention and enthusiasm at those students.

As he reminded them of the upcoming midterm, he scanned the room, just visually checking to see whether half or more had attended.  He was just vindictive enough to make the exam questions lecture-heavy for the days that weren’t well-attended.  This time, though, a familiar form was seated in the upper-right of the fishbowl.  Dean.  His dirty blonde hair looked, as usual, like he’d just rolled out of bed.  He was wearing jeans, a beat up leather jacket and black boots.  Gorgeous.

Seth’s mouth dropped open and he stood completely still for a few seconds.  He recovered quickly, though.  Not quickly enough for his lapse to go completely unnoticed as a few of his better front-row students were looking at him with frowns of confusion.  He immediately launched into the lecture and lost himself in it, focusing on the tempo and flow of the words, building critical points to a crescendo with his voice and dropping asides in a stage whisper.  The architect part of his personality might plan his lectures, but it was the performer, Seth Freakin’ Rollins, who made them come alive.  Another TA had once accused him of thinking he was God’s Last Gift, but Seth knew he had just been jealous of his ability to enthrall a class. 

At the end of the class period, Seth dismissed them with a reminder of reading for the last class before the midterm.  He was immediately mobbed by four who wanted to ask questions about the midterm format, despite it being clearly stated in the syllabus, other questions about the final paper, despite detailed instructions being posted online, and to give him doctor’s excuses for missing classes, despite being specifically told not to do so as there was no absence penalty.  He sighed as the last one left the room.  When he looked up, Dean was walking down the stairs to him.  Seth watched the way Dean’s body moved, loose and easy.

Dean moved into Seth’s personal space, trapping him between the wall and the computer stand he’d been at to show the students where they could get the course information. 

“Thought I was gonna have to tell blondie to fuck off,” Dean said, pushing his forehead against Seth’s and draping his arms over Seth’s shoulders.

Dean was touching him.  In a classroom.  Oh, no.

Seth didn’t want to step away.  He rested his hands on Dean’s surprisingly narrow waist, feeling the warmth of his body through his t-shirt.  This was the touch he’d needed.  There wasn’t a class in this room right after his.  Surely, they’d have a few minutes of…

“Oh, excuse me!” a flustered student said, backing out of the doorway she’d just entered.

Seth’s whole body stiffened and he tried to pull away, but Dean held him still.

“Ssshhhh, ssshhhh, it’s ok.  She’s gone,” Dean whispered against Seth’s ear.

Seth shuddered at the feeling of Dean whispering in his ear.

Dean leaned back and brought his hand around to cup Seth’s jaw.  Before Seth could stop himself, he was nuzzling his face against Dean’s palm.  Dean dragged his thumb over Seth’s lips and then stepped back, obviously shaking himself.  Seth felt bereft.

“Did you get the focus pads to work with me?” Dean asked, suddenly very serious.

Seth nodded.

The smile that appeared on Dean’s face made Seth want to write poetry about breaking dawns. 

“Will you bring them to the gym tonight?”

“Yes.”

Dean’s grin widened and he walked backwards out of the room, spinning as he slammed open the door.

Seth sagged against the desk for a moment, trying to compose himself for the walk back to his office.


	6. Chapter 6

When Seth got back to his office, he sat down heavily in his chair with his head in his hands.  His mind was spinning in so many directions, but his heart felt at peace for the first time in weeks.  Dean’s touch shouldn’t be able to quiet him so.  It made part of Seth feel afraid.  Another part of him threatened to break into a soaring song of love at any moment.  The war within him raged for several minutes before he was able to get control of himself.

Dean had come to his class.  That was not a thing they did.  Dean had held him in his classroom.  That was not a thing they did.  Dean had talked to him, brief though it had been.  That was not a thing they did.  Changes made Seth anxious, but, wasn’t that what he’d set out to do with the gift, after all?  To draw them closer together and to let Dean know how much he meant to Seth?  Seth exhaled a long breath and told himself he could handle this.

He raised his hand to Dean that evening in his work parking lot and felt much better.

When he got to his apartment, he found that the focus pads were on the couch.  Seth sat next to them.  He imagined that could almost feel the warmth of Dean for a moment.  Seth knew from the positioning of the focus pads that it was likely Dean had sat exactly where he was sitting currently on the couch.

Seth smiled to himself.  When he bought Dean’s Christmas presents in the future, he was going to have to hide them in his office.  The focus pads had been shoved behind a stack of old band t-shirts in the top of his closet.  He laughed to himself at the thought of Dean scouring his apartment looking for hidden gifts.

After dinner, Seth changed into his gym clothes and walked out with the focus pads tucked under his arm.  When he got to the gym, Dean was hitting the heavy bag as usual.  The normality gave Seth comfort after the anxiety of Dean being in an unusual place earlier.  Seth forced his feet left towards Dean instead of right towards the cardio area with great difficulty.

When Dean saw him, he stepped away from the bag into the mat area.  Seth slipped on the focus pads and held them out.  Dean punched each quickly across, tucking his chin and keeping his guard up.  They quickly fell into a rhythm.  Dean was strong, Seth realized, stronger than he had expected.  And this was with him pulling his punches.  The thought of that strength holding him sent a frission down Seth’s spine. 

“Need a break?” Dean asked.  The rasping quality of his voice did things to Seth that he didn’t have words for.

“No, I’m good,” Seth replied.

Dean grinned and returned to their circling pattern with Seth directing him where to throw his punches by turning the pads towards him. 

Sooner than Seth thought possible, it was time to go.  He felt surprisingly tired, as though the workout had been good for him, too.  He pulled off the focus pads as Dean got them towels. 

When Dean walked back over with the towels, Seth put out his hand to take one.  Instead of handing Seth his towel, though, Dean stepped in close and wiped his face with the towel.  Seth nearly burst into tears at the caring touch as Dean methodically swiped the towel around his neck.

“Thank you,” Seth whispered, throat too tight for normal vocalization.

“No, Seth, thank you,” Dean replied.  There was something in his voice that Seth couldn’t quite identify.  His beautiful blue eyes held Seth’s as though trying to communicate something that Seth wasn’t able to translate.

“Let’s go,” Dean said, tossing their towels in the bin and jerking his head towards the door.  Dean draped his arm around Seth’s shoulders loosely as they walked out.  Seth fought not to close his eyes and savor each point at which Dean’s skin was touching his and tried desperately to keep his breathing steady. 

Suddenly, Seth wasn’t sure what to do.  Dean was standing there with him, his arm around Seth’s shoulders.  He couldn’t complete his ritual of raising his hand to Dean on his way out.  But, maybe, this was better?  Being touched this way?  Dean seemed so casual about it, so unaffected.  Seth felt trapped between misery at the thought of Dean moving his arm and ecstasy at feeling so close to him.  Their sides brushed each other as they walked across the parking lot to Dean’s old blue pickup.

Dean stopped next to the truck, leaning back against it and sliding the arm that was over Seth’s shoulders down around his waist, pulling him in close so that they were touching.

“Wanna kiss you,” Dean murmured.

“Yes,” Seth breathed out.

Dean leaned in and fit his lips against Seth’s and Seth lost all ability to think for a few moments.  Waves of feelings came over him and he thought he might pass out.  His hands went to Dean’s shoulders, though he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to shove him away or pull him closer.  He felt Dean’s tongue graze his lips and his knees nearly buckled.  Dean drew back and tightly gripped Seth’s biceps.

“You’re mine,” Dean said, fiercely. 

“Yes,” Seth replied, weakly.

“Say it,” Dean growled, giving Seth a shake.

“I’m yours.” The words came tumbling out without Seth even realizing he was going to say them.

“Damn right,” Dean grumbled quietly, pulling Seth tightly against him in a hug.  “See you tomorrow, Seth.”

Seth nodded and wobbled his way home.  His first real kiss had been way more intense than he’d expected.

 

 

 

The next day, Seth received an “invitation” to come by his department chair’s office. 

“Seth, good, come in.  Close the door.  Sit down,” William Regal said.

Seth did as he was told, sitting across William’s desk.

“I had a rather interesting bit of information from a student.  She reported that she returned to your class to ask a question yesterday and found a strange man with his arms around you.  Her initial response was that she had interrupted a session of canoodling, but, later, she grew concerned as she didn’t think you’d be likely to engage in such unprofessional conduct.  So, she contacted me to share these concerns,” William said, the word “canoodling” fairly dripping with derision.

“William, no, I, ah, that’s not, that’s not what was happening at all,” Seth blurted out in a rush, “My friend came by to tell me some bad news about a personal thing and the student walked in when he was hugging me.  Just to comfort me.”  The lie tripped easily off Seth’s tongue.

“Well,” William began, “that is a relief.  Will you need any personal time to deal with this issue?”

“No, sir, the situation is handled,” Seth confirmed.

“Good,” William replied, “Now, as you know from our last faculty meeting, my petition to hire a new faculty member was approved.  I want you on the committee as you’re our most recent hire.”

William Regal’s tone brooked no argument.

“Yes, sir, I’d be happy to,” Seth lied again.

“Excellent.  I’ll formally enact the search committee and you can all start meeting soon to draft the notice and create a timeline.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a chair’s meeting I must attend.”

Seth nodded and slipped quietly out of the office.


	7. Chapter 7

Twitter was on Seth’s to-do list for the day.  At least three days a week, he logged in, re-tweeted interesting articles from some of the major accounts for his field, posted a link or two to new articles and liked tweets by his colleagues or graduate cohort.  Branding was important and if he wanted to be seen as a leader in his field, Twitter was necessary, if somewhat annoying.  He perused his new followers to see if there was anyone included he needed to follow back.  A few he did, but then he came to one with no picture and no tweets.  Just “DA” and nothing else.  It must be Dean, Seth though, his heart beating fast.  He followed the account.

When Seth saw Dean as he left work, he seemed tense. Seth liked to think that in the time he’d known Dean, he’d learned a bit about his moods. Even with his face blank, there would be a certain set to his jaw or shoulders that made Seth attribute different states of mind to him. Over the intervening period, they’d set up new rhythm in their gym time. Dean was still there hitting the bag when Seth arrived, but he joined Seth for his warm up and at least part of his work out before they worked with the focus pads. It meant a longer time in the gym, but that wasn’t a problem for Seth. Any time he got to spend around Dean was worth the trade off. Dean still got him a towel, but in the weeks that had passed since their first, their good night kiss in the gym parking lot had been established as a ritual, too. Every evening, he walked home with weak knees and a soaring heart. Dean didn’t even have to ask. He just kissed Seth until his head spun. With Dean’s arms around him, holding him close so tight he couldn’t get away if he’d wanted to, Seth felt the safest he ever had in his life. Often while they were working out, Seth would catch Dean staring intensely at him. He never looked away when he saw that Seth noticed, just kept looking. Seth would blush at having been the object of such rapt attention.

When Seth got home that day, he realized why Dean had looked so tense.  There was an envelope on his counter.  “Seth” was scrawled messily on the front.  His hands were shaking as he opened it.  Dean didn’t leave him notes and, indeed, there was no note, only a ticket.  It was a movie ticket.  For the following night.  The new Marvel film.  Was…was this a date? Seth wondered.  It would mean changing his routine.  But this was Dean.  The way Dean made him feel made changing his routine worth it, scary though that was to admit.  That night when he got to the gym, Dean looked up at him from the heavy bag.  Seth met his eyes and nodded.  He hoped Dean understood that he was saying yes to the movie.  After his blabbering the times he’d actually spoken to Dean, he was afraid to talk again.  Better to let Dean speak to him first if he wanted to, he thought.  The speaking interactions Dean had initiated had gone better than the ones Seth had tried to. 

He dressed with care for his first real “date night.”  He showered an extra time.  He changed his shirt twice only to put the first one back on in the end.  When he got to the theatre, he saw Dean’s old blue pickup truck in the lot already.  Empty.  He swallowed hard as he realized that meant Dean was inside.  He was inside waiting for Seth.  Seth gave his ticket to the ticket-taker and walked to the appropriate theatre.  Dean hadn’t been in the lobby, so he’d probably be in the theatre already.  The movie had been out for a while and it was a Tuesday night, so attendance was sparse.  The few other patrons were clustered in the lower and middle sections of the theatre.  He was early enough that the lights weren’t turned all the way down yet.  He looked around the theatre, but no Dean.  Disappointed, but still hopeful, Seth took a seat in the middle of the second row from the top, behind and away from the rest of the movie-goers.  The previews ended and the lights went down completely.  Seth shifted nervously, wondering if he’d somehow misinterpreted.  Then, a dark shape ascended the stairs and, as the movie started, Seth saw that it was Dean.  He passed Seth’s row and went to the very back, sitting directly behind Seth. 

Usually, Seth was at least moderately amused by Marvel movies, but this time, he found himself struggling to pay attention and keep up with the plot.  His attention was focused behind him.  Should he move back to sit next to Dean?  No, surely if Dean had wanted to sit next to him, he would have done so.  Suddenly, Seth felt a gentle brush against his hair.  Dean was touching his hair.  He heard a faint rustling behind him and turned just enough to see that Dean had slipped out of his seat to sit on the floor where he could easily stroke Seth’s hair.  Every nerve in Seth’s body lit up at the realization.  When their eyes met, Dean smiled.  Seth leaned a bit to the side, giving Dean better access.  After playing with his hair for a while, Dean seemed to grow bolder, skating fingers around the shell of Seth’s ear, gently stroking his jaw.  Seth surprised himself by audaciously turning his head and pressing his lips against Dean’s hand.  He heard Dean gasp quietly when he did. 

Seth heard a zipper and glanced back to see Dean kneeling, one hand stroking Seth’s hair and the other stroking himself.  Seth was fascinated and unable to turn away.  He quickly grew hard and began rubbing himself through his pants.  Dean’s breath hitched when he did.  Seth felt powerful knowing that he was able to affect Dean so.  When Dean moved his hand against Seth’s jaw again, Seth grabbed his wrist, quickly taking Dean’s index finger into his mouth and sucking.  Dean groaned, but, luckily, an explosion happened on screen at the same time and the sound was drowned out.  Seth couldn’t stand it another second and he opened his pants, coming all over his hand within seconds of actually getting his hand on himself.  He didn’t even feel embarrassed, just relieved.  He looked back as he heard a choked sound and saw that Dean, too, was climaxing.  Seth sat transfixed as Dean slumped back against the seats.  Dean wiped his hand on his underwear as he tucked himself away.  Seth looked down and realized he was still exposed.  Now, he did feel embarrassed, but when he went to wipe his hand on his own underwear, Dean moved to his other side and grabbed his shoulder.  He tugged on Seth’s sleeve and Seth let him pull his hand back towards him.  He felt Dean’s tongue, warm and wet as it licked his hand clean.  When Dean released him, Seth quickly buttoned and zipped his pants.  Dean continued to pet his hair through the rest of the movie.  They sat through the credits after all the other patrons had left. 

When the house lights came up, Dean stood.  Seth followed suit.  When they met at the end of the row, Dean pressed a tender kiss against Seth’s cheek.  Again, Seth felt that sense of being cared for, even, maybe…being loved?  Growing up shunted from one foster home to the next, he’d never really known what it meant to be loved. 

Dean led him out of the theatre and to his car, giving him another gentle, soft kiss, this time on his lips.  Seth thought his heart might burst right out of his chest.  It was so different from the hungry kisses he got each night in the gym parking lot.

As he drove home, though, reality began to set in.  What had he done?  He’d engaged in sexual behaviors in public.  He’d risked his entire career.  He blanched at the realization.


	8. Chapter 8

Seth packed his suitcase well in advance of his trip.  Despite having done his laundry recently, he couldn’t find one of the t-shirts he liked to wear when working out, which was irksome.  He couldn’t figure out where it could be.  He sloughed off the irritation and folded a different shirt into the suitcase in place of it.  Conference wear, gym clothes and shoes, underwear, socks, pajama pants and sleep shirt, he nodded to himself as he checked all the necessary clothing to be packed off his mental list. 

Seth hated going to conferences.  He’d had to do it as a doc student, meeting people, schmoozing, making job connections.  His routines would be utterly impossible to complete and the looming feeling of dread that brought on stilled his hands for a moment.

Maybe this would be good for him, he thought.  Since the night at the movie, he’d grown concerned.  Their routine had remained the same, as though nothing had happened. Seth knew, though, much as he enjoyed his relationship with Dean, much as it worked for them, that it wasn’t normal to do things the way they were.  Maybe a little time away would help him get some perspective.

He’d left his calendar out on the counter where Dean placed his flowers with the days he’d be gone circled in red marker. “Conference – Denver, CO” was written in and printed copies of his itinerary, including his flight and hotel information were there as well.  He didn’t want Dean to worry over the few days he’d be gone.

Seth left his car in long-term parking, checking that his doors were locked and documentation was displayed multiple times before leaving the car.  An uneventful flight later, he landed in Colorado.  It was beautiful, he thought as he walked out of the airport to hail a cab.  He’d have to bring Dean here on vacation some time.  They could go hiking, maybe go up Pike’s Peak since it wasn’t too far.  Seth felt warm inside as he imagined the trip, reveling the fact that he had someone he cared enough to daydream about.

He arrived at the hotel before check-in and dropped off his suitcase at the front desk to be taken to his room when it was ready.  Most of Seth's cohort from grad school were attending and they’d made arrangements to meet for lunch.  Woods, Kingston, Langston, Breeze, Flair and Brooke were all going to be there.  Seth felt exhausted just from thinking about it, but went anyway.  Social relationships were important for future career success and, after all, that was the brass ring.  Besides, maybe one or more of them would want to collaborate.  He’d never turn down an opportunity to publish, especially if he could wrangle first authorship.

“Well, if it isn’t The Man himself,” Woods crowed as Seth walked in.  Seth grinned at him and they hugged.  Others from the table greeted him with either hugs, waves or smiles.  They were all very different and perhaps their personalities didn’t always mesh, but the shared experience of their PhD program had forged them into a cohesive group.  Seth took a seat and allowed the noise of the conversation to wash over him, joining in when he had something to add.  They updated each other on what they had in the works, research-wise, and commiserated about difficulties in their department or with the administrations at their various schools.  Eventually, they moved into updates on personal lives.  Seth joined in the congratulations on the others’ relationship milestones.  He got a silly grin on his face thinking of Dean.

“What are you smiling so big about, Rollins?” asked Kingston.

“I, ah, gave my boyfriend a key,” Seth said nervously, blushing and ducking his head.

The table went silent and then exploded with cries of “WHAT?”  The words of each person tumbled over each other in a babble of surprise.

“You’re seeing someone?  YOU?” Brooke’s shrill voice cut through the noise.

“And you didn’t tell anyone?” Breeze pouted.

“Honestly, I’d kind of assumed you were ace,” said Flair.

“Happy for you, man,” Langston said, patting his shoulder.

Seth had always kept himself a bit separate, making sure to stress his need for privacy, so they didn’t pry too much.  He told them some basic things about Dean and the conversation moved on.  At the end of lunch, Woods got their waitress to take pictures of the group with his cellphone.  Seth ended up with Woods’s arm around his shoulders and Brooke’s around his waist as they all squeezed into frame.  After the picture, Woods squeezed his bicep. 

“I see tenure-track hasn’t gotten you out of the gym, either,” he said, flexing his own bicep.

“No way, man.  I need the stress relief now more than ever,” Seth replied, “I’ve already found a place down the street that does executive day passes for while I’m here.”

“Awesome!  When are you going?  I’ll tag along and I’m sure E will want to come, too.”

“Today after the opening plenary session and making an appearance at the welcome reception, not sure about tomorrow.”

“Cool.  Meet in the lobby?”

“Sure.”

 

By the time Seth checked in for the conference, his hotel room was ready.  He went up to drop off the bag of convention materials he’d been given at check in and to make sure his bag was there.  It was.  He sighed in relief.  He opened the bag and removed his toiletry case.  Taking it into the bathroom, he lined up his shaving soap, brush, razor, toothbrush, toothpaste, floss and mouthwash around the sink exactly as he liked them.  Feeling less anxious having that set up just so, he went back into the room and setup his laptop, getting it connected to the hotel wifi and responding to a few emails.  Soon, it was time to change and go to the plenary and opening ceremony.  Seth made the rounds, greeting the people who needed to see him there, getting face time with some senior colleagues and kindly chatting with a few ABDs who were being wallflowers.  His social mask was firmly in place, but internally he was counting the seconds until he could go.

After an acceptable time, he found Woods and Langston.  He moved his eyes towards the door and Woods nodded.  Seth quickly went to his room, hung up his suit, changed into gym clothes and headed for the lobby.  It didn’t take long for Woods and Langston to show up and the three headed to the gym Seth had found.  Langston took a great picture of Seth and Woods jokingly posed each flexing a bicep for the camera.

“You’re coming out with us after a shower, right?” Langston asked.

“No way, man, I’m beat,” Seth replied.

“But it’s only, like, 10! The club’s just getting started!” exclaimed Woods.

“And I’ve got a round table at 7:30am.”

“Fine.  Be that way,” they grumbled.

“Tomorrow, ok?  I’ll go out tomorrow,” Seth sighed.

The two grinned at him as they parted ways in the hotel lobby.

 

Seth went immediately to the shower in his room.  The pressure wasn’t great, but he made do.  Towel wrapped around his waist, he dug to the bottom of his suitcase where his pajama pants and t-shirt for sleeping would be.  The pants were there, but instead of the navy blue shirt he firmly remembered packing, there was a soft, plain, white t-shirt.  It looked, he thought confusedly, like one of Dean’s.  Had Dean traded out Seth’s shirt for one of his after he’d pack the suitcase?  Why would he do that?  As Seth pulled on the shirt, Dean’s scent washed over him.  He choked a bit and felt tears sting his eyes.  It was like being wrapped up in Dean.  He slept very well that night.


	9. Chapter 9

The next morning, Seth woke up feeling rested.  After the round table, he grabbed some breakfast.  While he ate, he scrolled through Twitter.  He liked and re-tweeted Woods’s picture of all of them at lunch and the one of them posing at the gym.  Soon, it was time for him to move on to his next session.  He’d color-coded each one by interest level and cross-referenced times.  His presentation was during the 2:30 session, so he snagged a sandwich from the hotel cantina and retreated to his room for lunch.  Obsessively, he re-read, re-timed, re-read, re-timed, re-read and re-timed.  If he could get it down to near-muscle-memory, he knew his anxiety would lessen.  Soon, it was time to go.  He got the floaty feeling of being there-but-not-quite-there that tended to accompany an anxiety crest for him.  He looked in the mirror to make sure the man looking back at him was presentable, no crumbs in his beard or anything. 

Seth walked directly to the room where his session would be held which he had, of course, found, checked, double-checked and timed the walk from his hotel room to previously.  He smiled at the audience and the presider and gave Flair a quick nod and wink.  She was presenting in the same session and her presentation was flawless, as always.   As it was time for him to present, he handed over his flashdrive for queuing up and let the performer, Seth Freakin’ Rollins, take the wheel.  At the end of the session, a few questions came his way.  All were, happily, easy enough to give a pat “That was really outside the scope of this project, but it brings up a fascinating future line of questioning” to. 

One such question that actually did, for once, bring up a fascinating future line of questioning was posited by a young woman who was impossible to miss. Her hair was very…orange.  Not that he had any room to judge, he thought, visualizing the stress-induced "whim" that had landed him with half his head blond and half brown a few years previous.  She had a lovely Irish accent.  Once the session ended, Seth began shaking hands and fielding the one-on-one questions that came up after.  He exchanged email addresses with a young graduate student from another school who was looking to do external collaboration in his subspecialty. 

Once done, he turned to where he knew Flair still stood.

“Utter perfection, as always, Charlotte,” he said, giving a theatrical bow.

She grinned at him and bobbed a curtsey.  “Yours was great, too, Seth.  This is Becky.  She’s a friend of mine and I wanted to introduce you.”

Becky, the orange-haired Irish woman, smiled brightly and shook Seth’s hand.

“Your presentation was very interesting, Dr. Rollins.  I can’t wait to read the paper,” Becky said.

“Please, call me Seth,” he replied, “I really thought that your question was great.  I’m thinking of how we could possibly control for that in a future statistical model.  Are you interested in collaborating?”

“Really?  Me?  Oh, wow, thanks so much!  Yeah, I’d be happy to.  In all honesty, though I feel like I should tell ya that I’m applying for the position in your department.  I don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to unduly influence you.”

Flair rolled her eyes and Seth barked a short laugh.

“She’s too honest for you, Charlotte.”

“Of course she should tell you, but it wouldn’t have been what I would have lead with,” Flair grumbled good-naturedly.

They’d made their way to the hall by this point, ceding the room to the next session.

“I’ve got to run.  Business meeting for one of the subsections I’m on committee for.  But we should definitely talk more, Becky,” Seth said, giving her his business card and shaking her hand again.

Flair met his eyes with the look that somehow managed to communicate “you did well,” “thank you” and “I owe you” without her saying anything.  It had always amazed Seth how much Flair said even when she didn’t actually say anything.  It reminded him of Dean a little, though he couldn’t imagine any two people he knew who were less alike.  The idea of it made him smile. 

“Later, Charlotte.”

“Later, Seth.”

As he walked away, he heard Becky say, “Gosh, Char, you were both so relaxed!  I wish I could feel like that when I present!  I’m always so nervous.”

Seth shook his head to himself as he rounded the corner, heading towards the room for his next meeting.

 

Later that evening, after the gym, he let Woods and the others drag him to a dance club.  They weren’t his thing, but he had missed his cohort mates.  With all of them taking such far-flung positions and working so much, it seemed like they’d barely had time to like each other’s tweets, let alone have an actual conversation.  He had enough to drink that he let Kingston and Woods get him out on the dance floor.  Apparently, he thought to himself, he’d had enough to drink to actually enjoy it.  He twirled Dana Brooke around until she got dizzy and motioned that she was going to go get another drink.  As he turned back around, Breeze came up behind him, snaked an arm around his waist and pulled him close, moving their bodies together in time with the music.  Seth glanced back at him in surprise, but he leaned forward and said, “Help me out here, Seth.  See that guy over there?  He’s an amazing dancer and I want him tonight.”

Pitching his voice to be heard over the music, Seth leaned in an asked, “How would dancing with me help?”

Breeze gave him a withering look.  “The best way to make sure you’re wanted is to show that you’re wanted, duh.”

Seth tried muzzily to parse that for a few minutes while Breeze danced around him in an increasingly sexual manner.  That plus the intense eye contact was making him extremely uncomfortable.  He tried to keep up and play along, but Breeze’s hands were starting to end up places they had no business being!  Breeze wrapped Seth’s arms around himself with his back to Seth’s chest, rubbing against his crotch in a way that was just two shades beyond the pale and Seth was about to stop this, good friend or not.  He had a boyfriend, for goodness sake!  He was certainly not too drunk to remember that.  To his vast relief, very shortly they were joined by the extraordinarily good-looking man Breeze had pointed out earlier.  He gave Seth a look of triumph as he danced Breeze away from him.  Seth took that as his chance to escape and quickly made his way over to the table they’d staked out.  The rest of his cohort, plus Charlotte’s friend Becky, were dying with laughter and Kingston had recorded the whole thing. 

“Oh, my god, Seth, you look scarred for life!” Brooke said, setting the table off into laughter again.

Seth downed the rest of his drink.  “Never let it be said I haven’t been a good friend.  And that video better never, ever see the light of social media.”

Kingston made an X over his heart, though he was smirking.  Seth motioned for them to go dance.  “It’s my turn to watch the drinks.  That’s more than enough dancing for me for one night.”

A while later, Breeze waved airily to the group as he sashayed out the door with the man from earlier.  Seth was ready to make a break for it himself and found that Flair, Brooke and Becky were also so predisposed.  Woods, Kingston and Langston, as usual, intended to shut the club down.  Seth walked back to the hotel with the girls.

“Oooh, yeah, we’ll have a big strong man with us so we poor, timid little girls make it back to the hotel ok,” Becky joked, poking Seth’s bicep.

Seth rolled up his sleeve and flexed his bicep, “I’ll protect you and Brooke, yeah, but I’m pretty sure Flair could take me.”

They all laughed.

“I don’t know who this guy you’re dating is or where you found him, but send him a big thank you from all of us.  The Seth Rollins we knew in grad school would hardly ever come out with us and I think he would’ve thrown up if anyone had tried to dance with him, let alone grind up on him like Tyler was on you earlier.  You’re so much less uptight.  He’s obviously good for you!” Brooke exclaimed.

Seth felt his face melt into the big dopey grin it seemed to settle into whenever he thought of Dean.

“He’s amazing.  Really the greatest,” Seth agreed.

“Awww!  Look at Seth’s face!  He’s all gooey!  I wanna see a picture!”

“I don’t have one.”

“SETH!  How do you NOT have a picture of your boyfriend?!?!”

That brought Seth up short.  Brooke hadn’t said it like an accusation.  It had been playful, but also legitimately shocked.  Was it really that strange?  How would he go about getting one, just say Hey, can I take a picture of you?  Let’s take a picture together?  That was a normal thing couples did, right?

“I just meant, I don’t have one on me, on my phone.  I had to reset it and lost them.  It was sad,” he lied.

That seemed to quell her and the conversation meandered.  Soon, they were in the lobby.

“SELFIE!” Flair screeched.  The three women crowded around him and they all smiled for Flair’s camera.  He bid them goodnight.

As soon as he got back to his room, Seth felt the beginnings of the introvert hangover from hell.  He’d been “on” so much this weekend.  He couldn’t wait to get home and back to his routines. And Dean. 


	10. Chapter 10

Seth woke later than he meant to and threw all of his belongings into his suitcase at random.  He stayed through the morning’s closing plenary and the ending luncheon, said his goodbyes to his cohort mates and shared a taxi to the airport with Langston who was flying out around the same time as he was.  On his way to his gate, he stopped in at a place called the Rocky Mountain Candy Company in the airport and to pick up a treat for Dean.  He often left candy for Seth, so Seth figured he’d like it.  It was the first time Seth had ever had someone to bring a gift back for after a trip and he was giddy with excitement.  Silly, he told himself, it’s just chocolate.  But, another little part of him said, it is what the chocolate means that’s important.  He looked at all the options carefully.

“Dude, it’s just chocolate.  Pick whatever he likes best,” Langston said, shoving him playfully with an elbow.

“I know, I know,” Seth said, selecting a ridiculous assortment of candies.

“You really like this guy, huh?”

“Yeah, I really do.”

“That’s good, man, I’m glad you finally found someone who can put up with your idiosyncratic ass.”

“Oooh, big words, big man,” Seth said, paying for his candies.  He sat with Langston until he boarded, then headed to his own gate where boarding should be beginning soon.  As he got there, he heard the announcement that his flight was overbooked and that they were asking for volunteers to take a later flight.  He sat down and crossed his fingers, but, of course, shortly he heard his name called from the counter, just as he knew he would.

“Yes, I’m Dr. Rollins,” he said to the gate attendant.

“Dr. Rollins, sir, I’m sorry, but there’s been an issue with the flight being overfull and we need you to take a later flight.”

Seth groused briefly, but accepted it.  It was his own fault, after all.  He thought about how he’d tossed all his belongings into the suitcase rather than completing his packing ritual and knew, without a doubt, that he’d brought this on himself.  He sighed in relief when the agent was able to get him on a flight the same day.  At least the delay would only be a few hours and not another night.  Lots of other people from the conference were flying out and some of them wanted to chat to him to pass the time.  He did that for a while, but eventually he was just simply done with interacting.  He bought a set of earbuds and found an out-of-the-way corner to hole up in until, finally, his new flight boarded at nearly 11pm.  Thankful that he doesn’t teach on Mondays this semester, he settled into his seat and catnapped until touchdown at his home airport.

Seth walked out to his car and found it fine.  He walked around it four times using the flashlight setting on his phone to check to make sure before he got in.  He’d learned his lesson with the delay and would make sure to do things right.  When he got home, his food package wasn’t sitting on the welcome mat as he’d expected.  Great, just great, he thought as he opened the door.  There was nothing waiting for him on the counter, either.  Not that he’d expected there to be.  Not really.  Just, he thought maybe there might be.  That Dean might’ve left something.   The remote was on the couch instead of the end table, so he knew Dean had been here.  He smiled and noticed the insulated cooler his food was left in was sitting in its usual spot.  He opened his refrigerator to find all his food put away exactly the way he always put it.  Dean must’ve…  Seth smiled to himself, relishing the feeling of Dean caring enough to do this for him.  He carefully arranged Dean’s gift on the counter.

 Then, he walked into his bedroom.

His bed wasn’t made.

His bed wasn’t made.

His bed wasn’t made.

He dropped the handle of his suitcase and steadied himself on the doorframe.  His bed was slept-in.  The covers were thrown back and not neatly tucked as he’d left them.

Had Dean?  Had Dean?  Had Dean…missed him enough to sleep in his bed while he was gone?  While Seth had been in a hotel in Denver sleeping in Dean’s shirt, had Dean been here?  In Seth’s bed?  He felt light-headed.  This was the best present he could have gotten, he thought with a smile.

Seth put all his clothes in the hamper, replaced his toiletries exactly as they should be in his bathroom and stowed his empty suitcase in its designated spot under the bed.  No way was he missing any step.  He’d learned his lesson, he reminded himself again.

Exhausted, Seth showered, changed into pajamas and crawled into his bed.  It smelled like him, but it also smelled like Dean.  It smelled like him and Dean.  It smelled like the most wonderful thing he’d ever smelled.  He snuggled his face into his pillow and inhaled deeply before falling into a contented sleep.

Suddenly, Seth jolted awake, heart racing.  He rolled onto his back and saw in the barest dawn light filtering in the window, a figure standing at the end of his bed.

“Dean?” he asked, voice hoarse from sleep.

The voice that answered him was sorrowful and angry in equal measure, “Why did you do it, Seth?  I love you.  I love you so much.  Why would you cheat on me? Why?”

The emotion in Dean’s voice sent the hairs on the back of Seth’s neck standing on end and he forgot to breathe for a heartbeat.

“Dean, no, no, I would never.  I would never, never, ever,” Seth scrambled to kneel at the end of the bed, throwing his arm around Dean’s waist and burying his face in his shirt.  Dean’s body was tense, pulling back from him.

Dean’s hands gripped his biceps too tight, painful, and pushed, but Seth refused to let go.  “I wouldn’t do that to you.  I love you, Dean, you’re the only one I’ve ever loved.  I wouldn’t do that,” he continued.

Suddenly, all the tension went out of Dean and the hands released his biceps.  Dean’s arms wrapped around Seth, holding him.

“You really didn’t, did you?” Dean said, voice thick with wonder.

“No, I swear.  I wouldn’t lie to you and I wouldn’t cheat.”

“Who was the man in the picture?” Dean’s voice was rough, angry again.

“On Twitter?  Those are the people I went to school with.  We all worked together for four years.  They’re…friends.”

“The one you went to the gym with.  You go to the gym with ME.”

“Woods.  Woods and Langston.  They just went to the gym.  I didn’t actually work out with them.  And I wouldn’t cheat on you.  They’re both straight, anyhow.  And the dancing with Breeze.  That was just so the guy he wanted to go home with would hit on him and I don’t even understand why that worked but it did and he went home with that guy and I walked the girls back to the hotel and went up to my room alone and slept in the shirt you put in my bag,” Seth managed to get out all in one breath, “I missed you so much the whole time I was gone.”

“You slept in my shirt?” Dean asked, sounding satisfied.  Seth nodded against Dean’s shirt, still not letting go.

Dean began gently petting Seth’s hair and Seth leaned back enough to look up at him.

“When you didn’t come home when the papers you left said you would, I thought you’d left me, decided to stay with that man.”

“No, Dean, there was a problem with my flight.  I got bumped to a later one because they overbooked the plane.  All I wanted was to come home to you.”

“I love you, Seth, but I won’t be lied to and I won’t be cheated on.  You are mine.”

“I’m yours,” Seth breathed, completing the word ritual they’d said so many times in the gym parking lot.

“Damn right.”

Suddenly, faster than Seth could follow, Dean had flipped him backwards onto the bed and was straddling him, pinning him down.

“You. Are. Mine.” he repeated.

“I am yours,” Seth replied.

“You.” Dean said, leaning down to press a rough kiss against Seth’s jaw.

“Are.” Dean continued, pressing another kiss against his throat.

“Mine.” Dean finished, pressing a third kiss against his collarbone.

“I’m yours,” Seth choked out, “Always.  I’ve never been anyone’s before you and I’ll never, ever be anyone else’s.”

Dean made a low, guttural noise that did something to Seth’s insides he didn’t have a word for.  Then, he tore off his shirt and roughly pulled Seth’s off.  Seth lost track of things for a few moments and suddenly found himself naked and pressed up against an equally naked Dean.  Dean’s mouth was on his, hot and insistent.  And his hands…they were touching him, every bit of skin Dean could reach was rubbed and stroked and fondled.

When they both needed to breathe, Seth just lay back in wonder.  He’d never understood before.  Not really.  He’d known, cognitively, that sex must be good because people were so motivated by it.  But any time anyone had tried to touch him like that, he’d always gotten queasy and felt an intense desire to get as far away as he could.  The need he’d acknowledged to himself for touching had only extended to clothed hugging or holding.  His thoughts of Dean had never gone beyond imagining Dean’s hand wrapped around his own while he touched himself.  He hadn’t known, had no comparison for this overwhelming experience of skin-on-skin erotic contact.  He suddenly felt very overwhelmed.

“Stop thinking, Seth,” Dean said, looking down at him.  There was enough light now that he could see him, how beautiful he looked propped up on one elbow gazing down at Seth in his bed.

“Can I have a picture of us?” Seth blurted out, surprised by his own forwardness.

“Why?” Dean asked.

“At the conference.  I told them all about my boyfriend and they wanted to know what you looked like and I didn’t have a picture of you.  I want one.  Is…is that ok?  I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t ask you for things.  You’re so wonderful to me and…”

“Seth, shhh,” Dean said.  He reached across Seth and grabbed Seth’s phone off the nightstand.  He pressed the button to access it and, before Seth could tell him the passcode, it opened.  Seth smiled.  His phone recognized Dean’s fingerprints just like it recognized his own and let him in without the code.  Of course Dean would think of everything.  He snuggled in closer happily.  Dean angled the phone inexpertly, but got them both in the frame and snapped a picture.

“Send it to them,” Dean said.

“What? No, I wanted it just for me.  I don’t have to…”  
  
“I said send it to them, Seth.  All of them.  I want them to see who you belong to.  Just so there are no misunderstandings in the future.”

Seth nodded and sent the picture with the words “Happy to be home.  Hope all of you are, too” to the group chat.  They didn’t use it as frequently any more, but he still had it saved.  He tossed the phone back on the nightstand and turned back to Dean.

“Thank you,” Seth said simply.


	11. Chapter 11

They lay there together for a long while, Seth reveling in the warm, solid feel of Dean next to him.  Suddenly, Dean pushed Seth onto his back and began doing those wonderful things with his hands again.  Seth heard his phone’s text chime a few times, but couldn’t be bothered when Dean’s mouth was kissing down his chest, licking each of his nipples and biting, oh, the biting was good.  Yes.  Very good, Seth thought exultantly.  He groaned when Dean stopped, but he only continued down lower, dipping his tongue into Seth’s belly button.

Dean was mumbling things between kisses.  Seth wasn’t able to make out much, but heard “mine, gonna make him feel so good, he’ll never leave, never.”

Then, Dean dipped his head down even lower and took Seth’s dick into his mouth.  It felt so amazing that Seth’s eyes rolled back in his head and his toes curled as Dean licked and sucked him. It was rough and wet and the most intense thing Seth had ever felt.  He wanted it to last forever and at the same time it felt so overwhelming that he nearly begged Dean to stop.  He might have, if he could have made words.  His hips thrust slightly of their own accord as he got closer to orgasm.

“Dean, I’m…I’m…I’m…” he managed to get out desperately in warning, but Dean only held him down harder and took him deeper.  Unable to move or thrust, Seth was kept teetering on the edge, his entire world narrowed down to his dick and Dean’s mouth before Dean sucked him fast and hard and he was coming and it felt like forever and Dean was still holding him in his mouth and swallowing.  Seth went completely boneless and gasping against the bed, shivering and panting like he’d just sprinted for miles.  Dean moved up next to him and kissed him.  He kissed back with everything he could muster, tasting himself in Dean’s mouth.

As Seth lay there, mind spinning trying to gain purchase over what just happened, Dean reached across him and picked up the phone again.  Seth heard music begin to play and the sounds of hooting and hollering people.

“What the fuck is this, Seth?” Dean asked.  His voice was completely cold.

Seth opened his eyes to find the phone shoved so close to his face his eyes crossed trying to focus on it.  He could make out a video.  It was when Breeze was dancing on him at the club.  From the video, it looked even worse than it had seemed while it was happening.

“That’s Breeze.  The dancing.  I told you.  So the guy he wanted,” Seth tried to explain.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP” Dean yelled.

“That’s not fucking dancin’ that’s fuckin’ with clothes on.  He’s goddamn all over you.  Fuck!  I trusted you, Seth.  I believed you when you said you didn’t fuck somebody else.  I believed you!  That you were different, that you wouldn’t lie to me.  Is that what this was this morning?  I’ve been so goddamn careful not to push you too fast, ‘cause I thought you were special, that you’d let me know you wanted me when you were ready.  So, what?  You let me touch you today because you got some from that blonde piece of garbage and I’m here and he’s not?”

As Dean was talking he grabbed Seth, pulling him up against the headboard and slamming him back against it over and over until Seth’s teeth rattled.

“No, Dean, that’s not,” Seth wheezed out, but it was like Dean wasn’t hearing him at all, like he was in another world.

“So that’s what you wanted?  Somebody to just grab you and fuck you like a whore?  And in public, you slut?  I thought you were different.  You said you were mine.  You said you were mine,” Dean howled.

Seth tried to move to grab Dean’s arms and stop him from shoving him again, but he only pawed ineffectually.

Suddenly, Dean stopped the keening sounds he’d been making.  He looked up at Seth and it was like a different person was seeing through his eyes.  The emotion that had just seemed to be overwhelming him was shut off like a switch had been flipped.  His face was set, hard and unconcerned.

“Well, I can certainly do that for you, Seth.  I can fuck you like a whore, if that’s what you wanted all along.”

Dean rolled to the other side of the bed and off into the floor.  He reached up under the bed and pulled out a small bottle.  It was lubricant, Seth realized.  But how?  He felt frozen, unable to move or speak from shock at what was happening.

Dean was continuing, his voice sounding rueful, “See, I’m a good guy, I even use lube with a whore.  I put that there because I thought maybe someday and, well, would you look at that, it’s someday already.” 

In a flash, Dean was back on top of him, pinning him down in a way that felt totally different from before.  Seth brought his hands up in a pleading gesture, but Dean grabbed his wrists tight with one hand, shoving them back against the wall above the headboard and leaning, grinding them cruelly against the wall with the weight of his upper body. Seth drew in a short, clipped breath at the pain that radiated from his wrists to his shoulders because of the awkward angle.  Dean uncapped the bottle in his other hand with his teeth and tipped it one-handed so that the liquid poured over his fingers.  When he spoke again, it was like the switch had flipped back.  His voice was choked with emotion and pain. “Even now, I love you.  Even now, knowing you betrayed me, I don’t want to hurt you.  I hate that you’ve made me do this.”

“Dean, please, don’t.  Don’t do this.  I love you so much.  I’m yours.  I’m only yours.  I wouldn’t,” Seth sobbed.

“You can’t tell me that after dancing with him like that you didn’t go home with him and fuck him, Seth,” Dean said, back to that toneless, inflectionless voice.

“I didn’t I didn’t I didn’t…” was all Seth could get out between breaths as he hyperventilated, snot and tears streaming down his face.

The phone chimed a few more times and Dean snatched it up, incensed, letting go of Seth’s wrists and dropping the bottle.

“What the fuck?  Is there more?  Did somebody actually film you fucking him or something?”

Dean’s eyes scanned the phone.  He sat back, staring hard at the screen.

He looked up at Seth, anger warring with something else on his face.  Guilt swept over his features.  He handed Seth the phone wordlessly.  Seth took it automatically, his hands cupping it, unable to grip due to his aching wrists.  On the screen was a picture of Breeze with the guy from the club.  “I owe u big, Seth.  He’s amazing.  We decided to go to my seasonal residence in Santorini for a few weeks!”

Alongside that message were others from the group dubbing him “Best wingman ever” and aww-ing over the picture with Dean, saying how they’d never seen him look so happy as he had talking about Dean that weekend and in the morning’s picture.

Dean wiped his hand on the sheets.

“You… you can understand why I thought.  Oh, fuck.  Seth, I’m sorry.  I’m so fucking sorry.  I’m such a fuckup.  I just love you so much and the thought of you with someone else, I just saw red,” Dean began hitting himself in the head with his fists.

“Now I’ve ruined it, what I had with you, so perfect, and I’m such a fuckup.  Nothing I ever do is worth a damn.  I’ll go.  I’ll stay away, just Seth I’m so sorry, I love you,” Dean sobbed.

Seth began to cry, too and he grabbed Dean’s hands to make him stop hitting himself.

“Yeah, hurt me.  I deserve it.  I won’t touch you, won’t hit you back. You do what you want.  I deserve it all,” Dean said, sniffling and unable to meet Seth’s eyes.

“Dean, no.  I couldn’t hurt you.  I love you.  I belong to you.  I’m yours,” Seth said, curling up around Dean, “Please don’t leave me.  You said I was yours.  You said it.”

“I don’t deserve…I don’t fucking deserve you to forgive me for this.  For what I said to you, for what I nearly did.  Seth, I’m broken.  The doctors were right.  I’m a sick guy.  I’m too fucked up.”

“Shhhh, shhhh,” Seth said, pulling Dean against him, “I love you.  I love you so much. I know you didn’t mean it.”

“Seth, you’re too good.  You’re just too good.  I don’t deserve you.”

Seth felt like he was inside his body and floating above it at the same time.  He was still a little scared, but this was Dean.  This was the man he loved.

“I want you, Dean.  Only you.  I love you.”

Seth picked up Dean’s hand and kissed his knuckles.   He kissed his cheeks where the tear-stains were drying.  Ever-so-gently, he kissed his mouth.

“Lie down here with me, Dean.  Hold me.”

Seth guided them both under the covers and they slept the kind of sleep that only complete emotional exhaustion brings.

When he woke, Dean was gone.  Seth showered, scrubbing at himself until his skin was raw without really understanding why.  He shampooed his hair twice, even though it made his wrists throb.  He looked down at them to see bruises. 

He spent the day in bed.  Just lying there, mind like white noise.  So unusual for him.  No thoughts.


	12. Chapter 12

Seth dozed off and on until his alarm went off the next morning.  Routine.  Rituals.  Desperate craving for back-to-normal.  Yes, he thought to himself.  He gave himself over to routine.  Rise, ablutions, clothing, food, drive, office, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work.

End of day.  Time to go back to his car and drive home. 

Seth sat in his chair, both hands gripping the lip of his desk.  He had successfully avoided thoughts of Dean all day.  He stood, mechanically packing his bag and locking his office door as he left.  He walked and when he got to the road he had to cross to get to his parking lot, he saw Dean’s old blue pickup.  But, what was this?  As Seth crossed the road, before he could raise his hand, the truck rolled forward out of the parking spot and turned away from him.  It exited onto one of the side streets and drove away.

Seth nearly cried in frustration.  He needed his rituals.  But, did he want to see Dean?  Yes, of course he did.  He belonged to Dean.  The ache in his chest intensified so swiftly that it took his breath away.  When had that started?

He drove home and changed for the gym, putting on a long sleeved shirt.  His wrists hurt, but that wouldn’t keep him from doing cardio.  And seeing Dean.

Seth walked to the gym, but Dean’s old, blue pickup wasn’t there.  He went inside and did his cardio, but Dean never came.  He went back home and slept.

The next day was the same.  And the next. And the next. And the next. And the next. And the next.

Seth honestly considered whether he is going mad.  He was barely holding it together and he knew it.  Dean had been such a constant in his life.  Dean was always there.  And now, he wasn't.

Seth left the lonely gym, walked through the parking lot where no one was waiting to hold him and went home where there had been no little gifts and his remote hadn’t moved from where he centered it on the coffee table.  He opened up his laptop and searched “Dean Ambrose” online.  There were a few arrests mentioned in the local paper, one with a mug shot.  Seth saved it to his computer furtively.  There wasn’t much else, though.  No social media presence. Seth thought about the "DA" account with no tweets that followed him on Twitter.  There was, however, an entry on one of those “people finder” websites.  An address.  It was local, but… could Seth do that?  Could he go find Dean?  The thought of it nearly made him hyperventilate.  Routine.  Ritual.  After all the time he had to spend breaking his rituals due to the stupid conference, his life fell apart.  Still, there had to be some way to fix this, didn’t there?  Some way to get things back to the way they should be.  Seth showered, mind full of possibilities.

Wrapped in a towel, he mapped the address.  It wasn’t far from his apartment.  Seth swallowed hard.  Was he really considering this?  Seriously considering it?  As though he was on auto-pilot, he dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and put on his shoes.  He walked to the car and got in.  He sat.  He breathed.  He started the car.

The drive was shorter even than he realized.  He turned off the road onto gravel.  A trailer park, lit by a few dim streetlights.  He didn’t even have to check his map because he saw Dean’s old, blue pickup sitting in front of a trailer.  It was dark in the shadow of the next trailer, but the trailer Dean’s old, blue pickup was parked at looked nondescript, similar to the others around it.  Small.

Seth parked next to the old, blue pickup and breathed.  He leaned his forehead on the steering wheel.  Even now, sitting in the drive, he was completely unconvinced of his ability to do this.  He pondered leaving, but instead got out of the car and closed the door quietly.  Seth slowly made his way up to the small wooden porch built onto the front of the trailer and had his hand raised to knock when the door opened.  Dean came out of the door, looking down and not paying attention.  It took him a moment to realize there was someone present and he nearly bumped into Seth.

They both froze, staring at each other.  Seth thought his heart might literally tear its way out of his chest as he waited to see what Dean would do. 

“Seth…” Dean said quietly, more of a breath than anything.  Seth’s heart flipped over at the sound of his name on Dean’s lips.

Without speaking, Seth moved forward, pressing himself into Dean’s space and tucking his face into Dean’s neck.  He kept his arms at his sides despite how they ached to find their home around Dean’s waist.  Dean stood without moving, neither embracing Seth nor pushing him away for what felt like an eternity before bringing his hands up to rest on Seth’s shoulders.  He pushed Seth back slightly, holding him so his eyes could rove over Seth’s face in the streetlight.  His lips were slightly parted as his eyes darted back and forth as though he couldn’t believe Seth was real, as though he couldn’t look at him enough.

Seth stayed still.  He breathed, inhaling the specific scent that was Dean into his lungs.

“You shouldn’t be here, Seth,” Dean said finally, not sounding very convincing and not letting go of Seth’s shoulders.

“I had to, Dean.  You left and the parking lot and I couldn’t…” Seth barely managed to choke out around the lump that had formed in his throat.  The feelings of rejection overwhelmed him.

Dean’s hands squeezed Seth’s shoulders, then slid up his neck to cup the sides of his face.  He leaned in and pressed his lips against Seth’s chastely.  It felt, to Seth, like asking permission, but when Seth tilted his head a fraction of an inch and pressed forward, Dean stepped away from him altogether.  He moved around Seth so that Seth’s back was to the door and he was between Seth and the stairs onto the porch.

“No,” Dean said, firmly, “No no no no nonononononono” he continued, picking up speed and making the words sound like one long stretch of syllables.  He shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket and frowned.

“Please,” Seth said, barely repressing a sob.

“Go home, Seth,” Dean said with the same firmness, “I love you, but I can’t…this…I’m going to fucking hurt you one day and I can’t stand it.”  By the end of the sentence, Dean’s voice was cracking from emotion.

“What about me, huh?  Don’t I get a say in this?” Seth asked.

Dean shook his head.  “I went to my therapist.  I told her what happened.  She says I gotta stay away, get back in group.  I shouldn’t have come to the parking lot.  I’m weak and wanted to see you.”

“Please, don’t do this to me.  I belong to you.  You said I was yours, Dean, you can’t just abandon me,” Seth begged.  Dean lunged forward, pinning Seth against the door and kissing him hard.  Seth could barely breathe between the kisses and trying to stop sobbing, but Dean was touching him again.  Seth went limp against the door as Dean kissed his face and jawline and down the side of his neck.  He heard himself making little mewling noises.  Then, Dean straightened and leaned his forehead Seth’s.  Seth felt emboldened enough to wrap his arms around Dean the way he’d wanted to since he’d walked out, resting them lightly around his waist.

“I have to go,” Dean whispered.

“Don’t leave me,” Seth begged again.

“Shh, shh, I’ll be there tomorrow.  I promise.  But I have to go to work now.”

“It’s after ten o’clock,” Seth whispered.

“Night shift,” Dean whispered back, “Come on.”

Dean stepped away, sliding his arm down to hold Seth’s hand and gently pull him down the porch steps.  He walked Seth around to his car door and kissed him again.  Seth felt overwhelmed and drunk with emotion.  Dean pressed against him again and ran his hands up and down Seth’s arms several times.

“I’ll be there tomorrow,” he repeated. 

Seth nodded, not trusting himself to speak without breaking down into a sobbing, begging mess again.

He hit the button to unlock his car.  Dean opened the door and shepherded him in, closing it carefully.  He watched as Seth backed out.  He raised his hand.  Seth nodded and drove home.


	13. Chapter 13

The next morning, Seth woke and did everything he was supposed to do to a T.  No corner-cutting or rushing.  He worked and when it was time to leave, his anxiety carried him nearly buzzing to his parking lot.  Heart in his throat, he waited for Dean’s old, blue pickup to move, but it didn’t.  Seth crossed the street and raised his hand.  Dean nodded.  Seth’s anxiety burst like a balloon popped with a pin.  He grinned and got in his car.  This was good.  What was supposed to happen had happened.  He took a deep, satisfied breath and drove home.

When Seth arrived at the gym, Dean was there. As usual.  Seth’s exuberance had him bouncing on his toes a little as he started the treadmill for his warm-up.  After, he moved to weights.  His bruises were almost gone and didn’t hurt any more.  He moved through his routine smoothly and felt giddy when he saw Dean go get their towels.  Seth hadn’t brought the focus pads, just in case Dean meant he would be in the parking lot, but not at the gym when he’d said he’d be there tomorrow.  He didn’t want to set himself up for disappointment.  He’d bring them the next day, he promised himself.

He was sitting at the leg press machine when Dean came over and draped the towel over his shoulder.  Seth’s hand went up to grip it and, when it did, Dean caught his arm.  Dean looked down at Seth’s wrist and Seth wasn’t sure what to do.  The bruise was really barely visible, just a faint ghosting of brown after nine days, so he’d worn short sleeves.  The look on Dean’s face broke Seth’s heart.  He looked shattered as he leaned down to press a kiss against the inside of Seth’s wrist.  Seth shivered. 

Dean walked out and Seth rushed to follow.  By the time Seth got to the door, Dean was in his old, blue pickup waiting for Seth to raise his hand.  But, Seth thought, biting his lip, that was the old ritual.  Dean was supposed to hold him, press him against the truck and remind Seth that he belonged to Dean. Kiss him.  Maybe Dean didn’t want to?  Maybe that’s what he’d talked about with the therapist?  The idea of Dean talking to someone else, telling someone else the thoughts that Seth didn’t get to hear was painful.  The therapist had told Dean to stay away from Seth.  In that moment of pure, utter loathing, Seth was pretty sure he’d never hated anyone more than this faceless, disembodied person.

Seth realized he’d been standing motionless in front of the gym for longer than he should.  Dean was watching him and his face wore a look Seth would define as “concerned.”  If Dean didn’t want to touch him, Seth could respect that.  He had to be able to.  He tried to smile, but he was pretty sure that it looked like more of a grimace.  The intense pain nearly doubled him over.  He flashed back to his thoughts from months previous, that giving in to that craving, that urge, that desire, that skin hunger, would give someone power over him.  They would see his weakness and when they left, as people always eventually did, he’d shatter into so many pieces he’d never be able to put himself back together.  Dean was so kind to let him down easy, he thought numbly as he stumbled to his door, clumsily unlocking it.  He collapsed onto the couch.  How was it possible to feel so much at once?  Hate for the therapist who had shown Dean that Seth was worthless to him.  Numbness, like he wasn’t fully experiencing his own body.  And yet, beneath all of that was a pain so unbearable, so new, so all-encompassing that he was paralyzed by it.

Time passed, though Seth couldn’t say how much.  He didn’t think it was long, but it felt like forever in that pain.  He heard a noise at the door.  A key was being inserted into the lock and the door opened.  When the door opened, Dean was standing there.  Seth made a low noise of raw need.  Dean entered the doorway slowly, eyes never leaving Seth’s.  He shut the door and held up the key.

“I…I can give it back,” he said.  As soon as he heard the words, Seth broke down entirely.  In a flash, Dean was sitting on the couch next to him, wrapping his arms around him.  Seth sobbed against Dean’s chest, but a small part of him was horrified.  Dean had come to break things off.  He should find a way to be strong, not show how much it hurt, not be so disgustingly weak.  In that moment, though, he couldn’t do anything but try not to throw up from the intensity of the emotional pain he was feeling.  He was shaking and hyperventilating and it was all he could do to pull himself away from Dean.  Dean was so wonderful.  He didn’t deserve to have to deal with Seth like this.

But when Seth pulled away, Dean slid into the floor, kneeling between Seth and the coffee table.

“I’m so sorry, Seth.  Please don’t be so scared.  I tried to stay away, but I couldn’t.  She talked to me all about boundaries, but, Seth, I just can’t stay away from you.  I haven’t been able to since I first saw you.  When you came and found me last night, I thought you wanted me to be here today.  I promise, I’ll do better.  I’ll stay away and you don’t have to be scared.  I’ll never come near you, won’t hurt you again,” Dean blurted.  His hands grasped at the air like he was fighting with himself to not touch Seth.

“No!” Seth exclaimed from where he was curled into a little ball of misery on the couch.  “Please, don’t leave me.  Don’t leave me!”  Seth begged and begged, beyond feeling disgust at his behavior.  “I don’t want boundaries or the key!  I want you!  I want to be yours!”

Again with his nearly preternatural quickness, Dean suddenly exploded from his kneeling position and crowded against Seth, pressing him into the couch. His hands were on either side of Seth’s head, holding him inches from Dean’s face and not letting him move.  Not that Seth wanted to ever move.  Dean’s eyes were staring into his with an intensity that took his breath away.

“You still want to be mine?  Even after what I did?  Even knowing that I’m not…fully what I’m ‘sposed to be?”

Seth nodded as best he could with his head being held at such an awkward angle.

Dean’s smile was beatific.  He kissed Seth’s face over and over, his cheeks, his forehead, his nose, his chin and finally his lips.

“From the moment I saw you, I knew you were mine.  My perfect, beautiful one.”

Seth’s heart melted at the praise and he uncurled, the tension in his muscles dissipating.  “Say it again,” he whispered.

“You’re mine,” Dean said.

“Again.”

“You’re mine.”

“I’m yours?” Seth said, lilting it up into a question without meaning to.

“You’re mine,” Dean replied.

“And you knew immediately?”

“Of course, I did,” Dean said, grinning at him and moving to lay his head in Seth’s lap.  Seth stroked Dean’s forehead.

“Tell me,” Seth asked.

“You know.  You felt it, too.”

“I want to hear it.”

Dean smiled at Seth indulgently.

“You were such a little tease at first.  Never looking straight at me.  Acting like you didn’t see me, but I knew better.  I had just gotten out of a bad relationship.  He’d gotten a restraining order, said I was stalking him, to mess with me.  I got arrested again and everything.”

Seth’s heart sank a little, thinking of the articles he’d found when he was trying to find Dean.

“When you held the door for me, walking with your boss into that restaurant, the Indian place.  I knew you weren’t local cause I’d never seen you before.  When you know, you just know, though, I guess.  I mean, you moved here after that to be with me after all.”

Seth thought back to when he’d gone with Regal for Indian food.  He’d been interviewing for the job here.  Regal, as chair, had taken him out to dinner to grill him and decide whether he’d offer Seth the job over the other candidates.  Seth had been so focused on putting his best foot forward that he remembered nothing else of the night.  Soon after, he’d gotten the offer, accepted it and moved.

“You were so shy.  I told the doc all about you, but she just kept talking about some de Clérambault guy and didn’t get it.  The doc, Dr. Lee, but everybody calls her AJ, she smells like the inside of my mom’s purse.  She used to hide Tootsie rolls in there.  I like her pretty good, but she doesn’t understand about you, about how we both knew instantly.” 

Seth breathed, listening carefully.

“Then you moved in here, just down the street from me.  I’d been watching for you, waiting for you to come back.  Then when you put the key under the tree out front for me, I was so excited.  Of course, you tease, you had to put it in a puzzle box.  That was so you,” Dean shook his head, laughing.

Seth felt his anxiety increase.

“And I’d wait for you in the parking lot, to watch.  I did try to respect your boundaries like the doc said.  Kept a respectable distance and waited for you to be ready.  You’d send me those little signals, though.  The way you tied your shoelaces.  All I had to do was think about things and you’d let me know what you wanted.  The blue shirt and how you knew I liked it on you.  Sometimes you would tease and not wear it when I wanted to see you in it, but you always did within a few days.  Just for me.  The first day you waved, I was so proud of you.  That you’d come so far.  You were so bashful, but I knew I had to be patient.  When you’d pause so you waved at me in an odd minute instead of an even minute to answer the questions I’d thought about.  I knew what you meant.  I knew what you were saying.  The way you’d leave the papers arranged on your desk in your office to spell out messages to me.  I knew.”

What? Seth thought to himself.  His anxiety spiked and a little curl of horror settled in his abdomen. 

“Then when you started waiving to me after the gym and when you brought me cocoa, I knew you were drawing in those boundaries like doc said, letting me get even closer.  I could tell as we were getting close to our anniversary that you wanted me to do a romantic gesture.  Anniversaries have never meant much to me, but I knew it did to you and I wanted it to be special, so I left your roses on the counter.  I’d always put the key back in the puzzle box and at first I didn’t understand why you wanted me to keep it and not put it back, but then I realized you meant it as, like, a metaphor and that you wanted me to keep it with me all the time.  So I did, just like you wanted.”

Seth felt his body tensing more and more as Dean spoke, a kind of dread settling in his bones as he listened.  Dean was smiling up at him and toying with his shirt.

“You kept all my gifts.  It meant a lot to me, but of course you know that.  I tried to show it back to you in actions since that’s how you do it, like with the towels.  When I found the focus pads in the closet on my birthday, I was so excited.  I had to come see you right then, even though you were at work.  I mean, I knew they were for me, but I needed to hear you say it.  I couldn’t help but hold you.  The first time, with that asshole in the parking lot, I knew it was because you were scared.  Of course you’d want me to comfort you, but I knew that was all it was, that you didn’t want me to touch you again right away.  One day, I want you to tell me what hurt you so bad before that it took you so long to let me hold you.  That was the hardest thing, not being able to touch you for so long.  But I didn’t because of the shoelace messages.  I knew you’d tell me when the time was right for you.  My birthday was never really a thing when I was a kid.  I don’t know how you knew, except that you always do, cause you’re so fucking perfect, but saving our first kiss for my birthday was so special.  I actually like the day now and it is all because of you.”

Seth’s anxiety created a strong feeling of nausea and his head was swimming trying to process Dean’s words.

“And the night at the movies!” Dean laughed, “You blushed so hard, but I knew you wanted it.  You’re such a creature of habit.  I have to do little things every once in a while, just to keep you on your toes.”  Dean wiggled his eyebrows up at Seth.

Seth tried to hide it, but pure, unadulterated horror was welling up in him along with a sense of despair.  How could he ever be worthy of Dean?  How could he be good enough for someone who could apparently read his subconscious, someone who saw all those signs before Seth himself even consciously knew he was doing them?

“I’ve got to get to work, but I’ll see you tomorrow.  Love you so fucking much!” Dean said, sitting up and kissing Seth passionately.  “Hmmm….gonna need a little more of that to get me through this shift,” he growled, climbing up to straddle Seth’s legs and leaning him back against the pillows to kiss him thoroughly for several minutes.  He grinned again when the kiss ended.  “Too much more of that and I’m not going to make it to work,” he said with a wink, “and you know that’s part of the condition of me being out and not stuck in that stupid hospital.”

Seth was unable to stop himself from pressing up and kissing Dean longingly one last time.  Dean patted his face and stood, snatching the apartment key up from where he’d apparently placed it on the coffee table.  He waved as he walked out and Seth heard the key lock the door behind him.

Seth showered and thought.  He stayed under the spray for a long time.  By the time he got out, he had made a decision.  He might not be worthy of Dean now, but he’d do everything in his power to become so.


	14. Chapter 14

Seth breathed what felt like his millionth sigh of relief at the way his routines had gotten back to normal over the past couple of weeks since The Misunderstanding.  That’s how he thought of the little “hiccup” in their relationship.  Their rough patch.  Now, things were back to the way they should be.  Perhaps Dean was a little more tentative, a little more careful, his touch gentler when he kissed Seth goodnight in the gym parking lot at the end of the day, but not so much so as to be disruptive.  He still leaned back against the truck, tucking Seth between his legs and rubbing up and down his back as he kissed him.  Seth’s hands still rested easily on Dean’s waist.  Yes, things were good. 

Seth tried to notice all the little things Dean had mentioned to him.  The order in which he wore which colored shirts.  His shoelaces.  It had been an exercise in frustration, though, and he accepted that Dean was just better at noticing things about people than he was, even about himself.  The therapist his dissertation chair made him see had talked to him time and again about his inability to connect with others.  He’d tried the little exercises and homeworks she gave him.  Well, he’d sort of tried.  He’d read over them a few times, at least.  Since he was absolutely fine, didn’t need therapy, but did need to finish his dissertation, it all seemed like a complete waste of time.

One evening when Seth got to the gym, Dean seemed more worked up than usual.  He was hitting the heavy bag with intense focus.  He still walked over to join Seth for cardio warm up, though.  They jogged on adjacent treadmills in silence.  When their workout was done, Dean took special care wiping the sweat from Seth’s face and neck.  At the old blue pick up, Dean pulled Seth close, but rested his forehead against Seth’s neck rather than kissing him.

“AJ wants to meet you,” he said suddenly.

Seth stiffened.  AJ, Dean’s therapist, was the one who had told Dean to stay away from Seth, had tried to come between them.  If she hadn’t told Dean to stay away from him, Dean would’ve come back sooner and they would’ve worked things out without Seth having such a difficult time.  He hated her intensely, but was also wary.  Dean seemed to put a lot of stock in what she said.

“When?” he asked.

He felt, rather than saw, Dean’s shrug.  “I dunno.  Like Saturday, maybe?”

“Saturday the day after tomorrow Saturday?” Seth stammered.

Dean pulled back.  “Yeah, but you don’t gotta.”

“No, I didn’t mean..it’s just real soon.”

Dean nodded and pulled Seth back close.

“Where?” Seth asked.

“It’s half-day at the clinic ‘cause it’s Saturday.  You could come then, like 1 or something.  After lunch.”

“Will you be with me?” Seth asked in trepidation.

“Yeah, I’ll already be there for group that morning.”

“Ok.  I’ll come.”

Dean pulled back, placing his palms against Seth’s jaws and curling his fingers behind his ears.  He gently stroked Seth’s left cheek and looked him directly in the eyes.

“Thank you,” he said and kissed Seth open mouthed and hungry.  After the kiss, Dean released him and Seth went home, carefully not thinking about Saturday.

The next morning, he dressed and went to work.  The final meeting of the hiring committee, second round, was set and they were choosing the top three candidates.  Each would be flown to campus for further interviews. 

Everyone had easily agreed on the first round cuts, but the second round was proving to be tougher.  There were so many good candidates that it was a bit overwhelming. Becky Lynch, who Seth had been introduced to by Flair at the conference, was a strong contender.

 

**************************************************

On Saturday morning, Seth dressed carefully before going to his office.  He wasn’t meeting Dean and the therapist until the afternoon, so he could at least get some work done.  Still, he knew that leaving early would be disruptive to his routine and thus difficult, so he set an alarm on his phone.  It went off much sooner than he expected.  Seth went to the restroom and splashed a little water on his face.  He stood up to take stock of his state of dress.  Button-down, vest, tie, slacks, all in order and professional.  Good.

He walked to his car, conscious of it being the wrong time of day and Dean not being in the parking lot.  His frown deepened as he got behind the wheel, the itch of the uncompleted ritual right between his shoulder blades.  The drive didn’t take long and he easily found the parking spaces labeled “Visitor” near the front of the building, at the other end of the parking lot from Dean’s old blue pick up.  Dean was standing on the walkway leading to the entrance watching as he parked.  He walked over as Seth turned off the car and stepped out.

“Hey,” Dean said, leaning in to kiss his cheek.  Seth impulsively threw his arms around Dean and pulled him close, tucking his face into Dean’s neck and inhaling deeply.  They stood that way for several second and then Dean pulled back, grabbing Seth’s hand and leading him up the walkway to the lobby’s glass doors. 

“AJ said to bring you to her office when you got here.  We just gotta tell the nurse at the desk that you need to sign in,” he rambled.  Seth let it all wash over him as Dean nudged him towards the small window.  It was a lot like a regular doctor’s office, Seth thought.

“Hey, Nat, this is Seth. He needs to sign in so we can go see AJ.”

The nurse, Nat, wore scrubs with ridiculous cartoon cats all over them, Seth noted.

“So, you’re Seth?” she said questioningly.

“Yeah, Dr. Seth Rollins,” he replied, taking one of his business cards out of his card case and handing it to her, mostly out of habit and totally not as an identity claim related to his educational capital.

“Huh,” she mumbled, staring at the card. 

“Nat, come on, sign him in so we can go see AJ,” Dean whined, bouncing on his toes.

She handed Seth a sign-in clip board and smiled at Dean indulgently.  “Go on back.  Hunter’s not around, so the door isn’t locked.”

“Who’s Hunter?” Seth asked, picking up the pen.

“AJ and Nat’s boss, total dick,” Dean replied, “I mean, a D-I-C-K dick.  Asshole.  He hates AJ, but she’s been here longer so he can’t get rid of her.”  Dean grinned at him, tongue between his teeth.

Seth signed in and followed along as Dean led him by the hand through a set of double doors and down a hall.  He stopped in front of an open door and rapped his knuckles against the frame.

“Hello, Dean,” said the woman inside, turning away from the computer she was seated in front of and smiling.  Dean smiled back and walked into the room, tugging Seth along again.

“Hey, AJ.  This is Seth,” Dean said proudly, pulling Seth forward and presenting him with a proud grin.

AJ stood and extended her hand.  Suppressing a snarl as he looked down at the tiny woman, Seth shook the proffered hand.

“So you’re the Seth that Dean won’t stop talking about.”

Who, he thought.  Things that, people who.  He didn’t say it out loud, though.

“That would be me,” he replied, grinning at her and slipping into the persona he used in the classroom.  She gestured for them to sit in the chairs next to hers in what was obviously a shared office space.

They made small talk for a few minutes, Seth confirming that he was a professor at the university, complimenting her knick-knacks, faking being impressed by the diploma (only a Master’s degree, so whatever) hanging on the wall along with her certificate of licensure.  Dean’s commentary bubbled around them as he told them about each other and whatever other randomness popped into his head.  His body was nearly vibrating and he kept looking back and forth between them as they chatted, seeming incandescent with happiness.

“Hey, Dean, why don’t you grab us coffee, if we’re going to sit here and chat,” AJ said.  Then she looked at Seth, “It’s barely better than swill, but it’s caffeine.”

“I’m sure it’s fine,” Seth said.  Dean hopped up with a muttered “be right back” as he jogged out of the room.

Seth watched him go. “Are you sure he needs caffeine?” he asked, trying to infuse a light laugh into the tone as he looked back at AJ.

“Cut the crap,” she said, the smiling woman who’d been sitting across from him seconds earlier replaced by one who looked angry.

“I want to know what the fuck you’re doing with Dean right now.  Are you a psych prof with a fetish?  What’s your deal?  It’s obvious he’s not healthy and you can’t encourage his delusions that you’re his boyfriend.”

Seth felt briefly startled at the immediate change in the conversation, but quickly dropped his classroom persona.

“My PhD is not in psychology,” he replied, narrowing his eyes, “And I am Dean’s boyfriend.”

“So the guy who stalked you, has delusions about you and who hit you just a few weeks ago is your boyfriend.  Right,” she said disbelievingly.

“Stalk?  What? What’s your problem?  Yeah, Dean and I had a small argument, but then YOU told him to stay away from me and we couldn’t even work it out for days.  I thought I was going to lose him and it was all your fault!”

“MY problem?  My problem is that a client I’ve worked with extensively and who was finally getting to a good place showed up at my office nearly suicidal over hurting you.  Do you have any idea what it took to get him stable again?  And now you’re back in his life like nothing happened?  You have got to be manipulating him for some reason or something.  There’s no way you’re legit.”

“I assure you, I am.  I love Dean with everything I have and you’re not getting in between us,” Seth growled.

“Ok, so let’s say you do love him.  You don’t understand what Dean is like, what his issues are.  Your so-called relationship isn’t something he can sustain and it’s going to damage him.”

In a sudden flash of clarity, Seth knew exactly what to do.  “So, let me make sure I’m understanding you correctly.  You, a therapist, are saying that because Dean isn’t perfectly psychologically normal, he doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship?”

“What?” AJ gasped, “That’s not what I said at all.”

Seth smirked, leaning forward in his chair.  “Really?  That’s how I heard it.  And it’s just me and you in here right now.  I wonder if I need to notify someone in authority about your low opinion of the very people you are supposed to be here to help?  I think Dean mentioned you have a boss named Hunter?”

AJ paled, staring at Seth wide-eyed.  In the quiet, Seth heard Dean’s footsteps and humming of “Sweet Caroline” as he came back down the hall.  He sat back and eased his body language.  Dean came in at that very moment, carefully balancing three small Styrofoam cups of coffee.  Seth took the top one and passed it to AJ with a polite smile, then accepted the one Dean handed him. 

“Thank you, Dean,” he said, taking a sip of the awful coffee.  Dean grinned at him again and then turned back to AJ.

“You ok?” he asked her with concern.  Her face was still quite pale. 

“Oh, yeah, I’m great.  I was just thinking about all the notes I have left to write this afternoon,” she said, distractedly.

“On that note, I should probably be going and not take up any more of your time.  It was great to meet you, AJ.  I’m so glad we were able to have this conversation,” Seth said, standing and taking another sip of his coffee.  Dean stood, too, draining his cup.  “See you Tuesday, AJ,” he said happily.

“Yeah, you, too,” she replied a little faintly and with a wan smile.  Seth reached down and twined his fingers around Dean’s as they moved towards the door.  Just out in the hallway, Seth looked at Dean and said, “She seems nice,” subtly pitching his voice to carry back into the room they’d just vacated.

Dean brushed their shoulders together.  “Yeah, she’s really great.”

Together, hand-in-hand, they exited the building, Seth tossing his coffee in the big trashcan just outside the front door. 

“Bye, Nattie!” Dean called over his shoulder as the door closed.

They walked to Seth’s car, Dean following Seth closely.

“It’s only like 1:45. Did you want to, uh, do somethin’?” Dean asked, looking at the ground and tapping his fingers against his collarbones.

Seth’s anxiety hit a sudden spike.  “Umm…I was just gonna go home, but if you wanted to, umm, come?” he mumbled, trying not to sound too hopeful.

Dean smiled and leaned in to kiss his lips gently.  “Yeah.  Yeah, let’s go home.”  He walked towards his old blue pick up and Seth got in his car.  As he drove off, he waved at AJ as she watched from just inside the glass front doors.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.


End file.
